


high voltage.

by AmethystAxas



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, aka connor murphy will have and does have bpd, bpd connor, ill change the rating if need be, possibly some nsfw?, references to self harm, there will be a lot of gay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-18
Updated: 2018-01-23
Packaged: 2018-11-02 08:31:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 21
Words: 33,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10940784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmethystAxas/pseuds/AmethystAxas
Summary: Connor Murphy runs off the walls. He's impulsive and aggressive and most everyone is scared of him.Evan Hansen blends into the walls. He's quiet and passive and is scared of mostly everyone.But for some reason, not Connor Murphy. And Connor can't figure out why, but he kind of likes it.





	1. i'm so used to being used.

Connor Murphy stood under the flickering lights of the boys' bathroom, joint in hand, foot pressed against the wall his shoulders were also leaned against. His wild hair fell in his face, covering his left eye which probably mirrored the right which was pulled down by very dark bags. Evan was absolutely rooted to his spot. Connor hadn't noticed that he'd entered the bathroom yet, his stare fixed somewhere else entirely as he took hits off the joint between his fingers. As much as Evan really,  _really_ wanted to just turn and find another bathroom to eat his lunch in, there was something borderline intoxicating about watching Connor. He was used to seeing him with a scowl plastered on his face, eyebrows drawn angrily over squinted and dark eyes about to yell at someone or beat the living daylights out of them. But here, there was just calm (aside from the frantic beating of Evan's heart and his sweaty hands that probably weren't sweaty before, but now that he'd thought about it, there was no way they weren't). 

Connor finally noticed Evan's presence and narrowed his eyes. "Can I help you?" His voice was bitter and the words almost physically pushed Evan back with the force they were spat out at him. 

"O-oh, um, no, I'm so sorry. It's just, uh, um, this is where I usually, um, e-eat lunch, and I've, um, well, I've never seen you here before, s-so, I was just a little bit, um..."

"A little bit what exactly?" Connor questioned, not letting Evan continue. His voice was beginning to raise, but he made no move toward Evan. He was safe standing in front of the door.

"J-just a little surprised, th-that's all."

"Why is it surprising that I'm in here, huh?"

Evan swallowed hard and used his good hand to tug at the collar around his neck that felt like it was slowly strangling him as the room heated up.

"It's... uh, um... It's n-not a bad thing," Evan replied quietly. Connor rose an eyebrow and took another drag, a longer one, his eyes locked on Evan.

There was a moment of silence. That wasn't necessarily a bad thing, and it was better than being screamed at. Evan's stomach then appropriately growled loud enough for Connor to hear. Evan's hand flew to his stomach immediately in an attempt to will it quiet because he wasn't really ready to move. Connor exhaled the sour smelling stuff from his mouth and gestured his hand to the brown paper bag Evan was holding.

"Don't let me stop you from eating, Hansen," he said. "Obviously you're hungry."

Evan nodded, willing himself to shut his mouth and not ramble on. He was about to make his way into a stall when Connor clicked his tongue.

"You don't have to eat in there."

So he didn't. Evan stood in the doorway of the stall just staring at Connor with wide eyes. Connor exhaled with force and rolled his eyes before looking back at Evan.

"Why are you eating in here in the first place?" he questioned.

Evan looked away, his eyes focusing in on a particularly grimy tile of the floor. He didn't necessarily want to answer Connor. He was afraid of what would happen if Connor knew he didn't have anywhere to sit and eat or anyone to sit and eat with. He didn't want to have to deal with another bully. And clearly, Connor knew who he was, so maybe there really was no point in trying to hide it because he already knew he had no friends and what if it only gets worse when he gets caught lying or keeping the truth from Connor which was kind of technically lying anyway, and oh God what if-

"I asked you a question," Connor growled, interrupting Evan's thought process. Evan swallowed hard and fought to look into Connor's eyes.

"I... I um, Idon'thaveanyonetositwithbecauseihavenofriendssoieatinthebathroominsteadand-"

"If I can't understand your answer, what would the point be in asking the question in the first place?" Connor cut Evan off, finishing off his joint and putting it out against the wall before tossing it in the trash can.

"S-so sorry," Evan muttered in reply, taking a deep breath to restate his answer to Connor's original question. 

"Well if that doesn't ring a bell," Connor responded. His voice was laced with something sad, but the specific emotion Evan couldn't pinpoint. 

"I'm sorry to hear that," Evan said under his breath. Connor perked up a bit almost as if he couldn't believe what he'd heard. He also clenched his fists a moment later, only to unclench them and take a deep breath. Evan was surprised to see him control his temper for once although why it was there in the first place he didn't quite understand. 

There was silence and Evan decided that it was now or never to eat, so he pulled out the sandwich from his bag and removed it from where it had been in the Ziploc. He took a few bites in silence with Connor just kind of standing there, staring at the ceiling. He was almost kind of distracting with his head tilted up and his pale hand with its chipped black nails run through and kind of stuck in his hair. Sure, Evan had struggled with feelings like this before, but he never expected to find himself attracted to high Connor Murphy in a high school bathroom.

He realized then that he was staring and that didn't go so well the first time, so he turned his attention back to eating his sandwich and tried to forget that Connor was even there, like, three feet away.

"So... how'd you break your arm?"

Evan jumped as Connor broke the silence. He almost choked on the turkey and swiss in his throat. "I... I, uh, fell out of a tree."

"Well, if that isn't the saddest fucking thing I've ever heard," Connor replied with what sounded kind of like a little laugh. "Why were you in a tree in the first place? At a party trying to hide from the cops? Trying to get to third base with some girl and lose your grip when she takes off her-"

Evan coughed, quite loudly, face starting to flush. His wide eyes turned to Connor who wore a smirk on his face, palms turned upwards expectantly.

"N-no, nothing like... nothing like those things at all," Evan replied. "I was just, um, climbing, and I sort of... fell."

"That's not a very good story," Connor quipped. Evan let out a nervous laugh and nodded quickly in agreement.

"Y-yeah, no, it's really not, is it? Ahaha, n-nope, just, um... j-just lost my balance."

Connor stopped talking for a second and just kind of stared at Evan, who, in turn, blushed from the attention and tried to focus on finishing his sandwich.

"Nobody's signed your cast yet," Connor noted. Evan just kind of nodded.

"Yeah."

"I'll sign it. You got a sharpie?"

Evan slowly nodded and shoved the last of his sandwich in his mouth so he could fiddle through his backpack to hand Connor a black sharpie he kept in his side pocket just in case. He wasn't sure how to feel about it, but it was always nicer to be on somebody's good side rather than their bad one. Connor's hand was surprisingly soft as he gently took the sharpie from Evan's hand. Despite that, he yanked kind of hard on Evan's casted arm, causing him to yelp in pain a little bit. Connor looked at Evan for a second but didn't say anything before signing his name quite large on one side of the cast. He gave the sharpie back to Evan and then shoved his hands in his hoodie pockets.

"Well, there... we can both pretend that we've got friends now." Connor kind of half-smiled as he walked backwards and out the door of the bathroom leaving Evan a little confused and in awe and a lot of other things.

He decided to focus on finishing his lunch and then probably message Jared.

 

**Ev.Han.51: Jared.**

**Ev.Han.51: Jared, please answer me.**

**JrodK: wat do u want**

**Ev.Han.51: I just survived an encounter with Connor Murphy.**

**JrodK: ok**

**JrodK: do u want a medal or somethn**

**Ev.Han.51: No!**

**Ev.Han.51: I don't know, I just...**

**Ev.Han.51: You always said Connor was a really bad dude, but he wasn't all that bad.**

**JrodK: earth 2 evan**

**JrodK: as an 8 yr old he threw a goddamn printer @ a teacher**

**JrodK: he shoved me in a lockr like 2 yrs ago**

**JrodK: idk wat happened but hes still an asshole dude**

**Ev.Han.51: Okay, maybe, but what do I do?**

**Ev.Han.51: He signed my cast.**

**JrodK: i dont have time 2 talk to u about this dumb shit**

***JrodK is offline***

**Ev.Han.51: Jared c'mon.**

**Ev.Han.51: Jared?**

**Ev.Han.51: You kind of suck.**

 

* * *

 

_Okay so first chapter is done! This is my first time using Ao3 to write/publish things, so please lemme know if anything is messed up. ALSO sorry if characters are a little OoC. I'm trying, but I also kind of suck at trying. I'll try and get the next chapter up soon. This was just kind of an introductory thing to get warmed up. Sorry if it's short also. Agh! So many apologies._


	2. language of averted eyes.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan and Connor think about what happened

Connor Murphy sat on his bed with his back against the wall, repainting his nails. Rock music blasted from his phone to give him something else to do while his nails dried. He kind of paused on his ring finger and thought about the events of earlier in the day.

After he'd signed that Hansen kid's cast, he took off for the rest of the day, finding no real interest in his science and history electives. Drove himself to the park and just kind of lazed around to enjoy his high and find some inner peace or something before he had to go home. Did some cloud watching and some soul searching... whatever sounded the most therapeutic. 

But that Hansen kid... Evan... there was something odd about him. He didn't try to be confrontational and aggressive. He didn't try to display that alpha male bullshit that Connor himself had been suckered into. He was reserved and weird, but it was a good weird. He was the kind of different Connor could get behind.

He also looked kinda cute when his face was all red like that.

Connor sighed and shook his head a little bit, but still kind of pictured Evan's shocked and blushing face from earlier.  _Don't think things like that,_ he scolded himself.  _You're probably gonna end up scaring him off eventually. Or maybe he'll leave you. Or maybe it won't even get to that. Just... just don't expect anything._ The thought was disappointing. Connor never had many friends. In fact, he never really had any. His anger issues and outbursts of uncontrollable emotion kind of kept everyone away. Sometimes, he preferred that, but it got unbearably lonely sometimes, and that only ever made it worse.

The front door slammed shut, which kind of made him stop thinking about all of that and continue painting his nails. He was almost done, and he wanted to be finished by the time Larry got up to the room, whenever that would be. He would rather have a full set of black nails when Larry called him a "good for nothing sissy fag". 

A pair of feet stormed by and shut the bedroom door of the room beside his. So Zoe was the one who got home. He had some time before she came in to torment him.

\--------

"Don't tell me you've got a thing for school shooter," Jared said with a chuckle. Jared was only over at Evan's in the first place because Heidi said she ordered pizza before she left for work, and Jared was always down for free pizza.

"It's not like that," Evan shot back. He didn't want to have to deal with Jared's bull today.

"Then why are you so on his dick?" Jared laughed a little bit at his own joke, again. Evan rolled his eyes.

"I'm not! At all! I just... I don't know... maybe he wants to be friends?" Evan wasn't really sure what Connor's motivation was behind the signing of the cast and the whole being nice thing.

"Oh, okay, so you want to be friends with the school shooter so when he snaps and kills everyone you'll be safe? Good plan actually," Jared replied, taking a bite of his pizza slice.

"Jared that's... that's not at all..." Evan sighed, exasperated.

"Well, it's one or the other. You've either got your dick wet for him or you're going to be his partner in crime," Jared said with a shrug. Evan dropped it, not wanting to continue defending himself. He knew he was just gonna keep insinuating the same things over and over again with no regard to what Evan said at all.

"Is there anything good on TV tonight?" Evan asked in an attempt to derail that conversation.

"I dunno, Evan. There are like, five thousand channels," Jared paused and smirked, "I'm sure one is playing Connor Murphy porn."

\--------

Connor slammed the front door of the house shut and made his way quickly into his car, shoving the keys in the ignition to turn the engine on. He floored it out of the driveway and down the road in probably record time. He didn't know where he was going to go, but anything was better than staying at home with Larry berating him every five seconds and Cynthia smothering him to death and Zoe being an absolute pest. 

His hands gripped the steering wheel tight. He knew how dangerous it was to drive angry, but he had to get away. He was afraid that he'd end up hurting someone else or himself if he stayed.

He ended up where he always ends up: outside the 7-11 on the other side of town. He went inside and got himself a cherry-coke slushee mix and sat himself down on the curb outside. The sugar was probably gonna give him a headache on an empty stomach, but he didn't really care. The cool night breeze and the cold slushee in his hands were kind of working to cool his temper down until it was all just kind of numb. He was so tired of everything. So very tired.

Trying to control his emotions was becoming draining. Absolutely exhausting. One second he was king of the world and the next he was at rock bottom. It took the smallest thing to set off his anger and the right thing could calm him down right away. The rollercoaster was a ride he wanted to get off of. The weed helped everything to chill out, but his system was starting to get used to the amount he smoked every day. He didn't exactly have the income to buy more than what he was already getting, and he definitely didn't want to try anything stronger. Everyone already thought of him as a monster. He didn't need to start smoking crack to confirm it. 

"Connor?" a voice asked nervously. Connor looked up and removed himself from this thoughts to find Evan Hansen standing a few feet in front of him, his hands nervously playing with the hem of his shirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah! Okay, unrelated, BUT I GOT ACCEPTED TO COLLEGE TODAY!!!! (and committed)   
> Okay okay so I wrote this in school and it's shorter than the first chapter, I think. Third chapter is the longest so far, though. So look out for thank and thank you for supporting me!


	3. what i want you've got.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan learn about each other

Evan wasn't expecting to find Connor in the middle of the night at a 7-11 on the outskirts of town, but there he was, sipping a slushee. He didn't know what to do, not at all. He was just out on a walk to clear his head and get some fresh air. He wasn't expecting to come across this.   
He was going to leave, but like before, there was something kind of keeping him there. This time, it was how out of it he looked. He looked exhausted.

Evan fiddled with the bottom of his shirt and gulped. If Connor wanted to be friends, or pretend friends, or whatever, then Evan knew he needed to step up and make sure Connor was okay.

"Connor?" Evan's voice was quieter than he wanted, but it was heard. Connor looked up and his dull eyes seemed to light up enough to recognize that someone was there and talking to him. 

"Hansen." Connor's voice cracked and rumbled longer than usual. There was something wrong.

"Is, um... is everything alright?" Evan asked. He wanted to be closer, but he wasn't sure how the other boy would react. Connor just kind of looked him up and down for a second with tired eyes and then looked away.

"I'm not your problem."

Evan didn't know what to say. Connor was clearly upset by something. He wasn't angry. He wasn't hitting things. He sounded tired. He sounded done. And that was concerning.

"I know. I, uh, I know that, b-but... please don't take this the wrong way, but, um... you... you sound upset, and if I can, I w-want to help," Evan managed to stammer out, his heart pounding, adrenaline rushing through his veins at his bravery to be brave and speak up. Connor didn't say anything. He just lightly slapped the ground beside him to signal Evan to come sit beside him. Evan did.

They sat in silence for a while, Connor taking some sips of slushee every now and then.

"Can I stay at your house?"

"W-what?"

Connor's question came out of nowhere. Evan was shocked. Did Connor Murphy actually just ask to come to his house and stay there? Connor let out a breathy, shaky laugh and ran his fingers through his hair.

"Yeah... sorry that was stupid."

"It wasn't," Evan replied. He couldn't look at Connor even though he could tell Connor was looking at him.

"Why are you... being nice to me?" Connor asked, looking back away. Evan looked toward him.

"Because... we don't have to pretend to be friends, Connor." Evan wasn't sure where this bravery was coming from, but this was the most he'd talked and the calmest he'd been talking and god dammit he was gonna keep this going.

"You actually wanna be friends with me." Connor sounded shocked, but he was still tired. It was almost like all of this made it even worse.

"...yes, I do."

And then Connor was shaking. Evan couldn't tell if it was from tears or laughter because his hair shrouded his face. He was too afraid to ask. But Evan placed his good hand over Connor's and the boy looked over, his face surprised.  
Connor flipped his hand to squeeze Evan's and Evan blushed, but he didn't want to move.

"Can we go to your place, Hansen?" Connor asked, his voice quieter than Evan's ever heard it. Evan gently squeezed Connor's hand back.

"Yeah..."

  
\--------

Evan's house was a lot smaller than Connor initially thought. Sure, it was two stories, but it was only a little bit bigger than probably a town house. Connor pulled in front of the house rather than the driveway. It was empty, but he didn't want to have to disturb Evan's parents when they came home from wherever. Evan got out of the car first as Connor shut the engine off and just kinda watched for a second.

"Are you, um... are you coming, Connor?"

Connor blinked and smiled a little bit. "Yeah, um, yeah. Sorry, Hansen, I'll be right there." 

Connor got out of the car and followed Evan up the pathway and into the house.

"So, do you want to hang out in the living room?" Evan asked, turning the living room light on and shutting and locking the front door. Connor shrugged and nodded

"Um, yeah, sure, if you want." Connor didn't know why he was acting this way. He felt tranquil, kind of. Also awkward being in Evan's house. Dare he say he felt shy? Not like Evan's anxiety-fueled ramblings and sweating and palpitations. More like... a nervousness for something that he wasn't sure was going to happen.

"Do you want anything, t-to drink?" Evan asked.

"Water," Connor replied. He felt dehydrated. Maybe that was why he was so tired. Evan gave him a little smile and disappeared into the kitchen.

Connor sat himself on the couch and scanned the room. It was mostly bare, and it looked like a dining room and living room together. The long dining table was shoved against the wall with a lone laptop charger and no laptop. The TV stand had some papers and magazines strewn about and a few picture frames grabbed his attention. One was a woman who was probably Evan's mom holding a little boy who was probably Evan. God, little Evan was cute. Another was a slightly older but still little Evan in a cap and gown holding a "middle school graduation" diploma with a big grin plastered on his face. The last was a sadder looking Evan in his senior pictures. Connor found it endearing. Also, he noted there seemed to be no dad pictures.

Evan returned with two glasses of water and sat beside Connor on the couch. Quiet. But it was nice to have Evan beside him. For the first time in a while, Connor was stumped as to what to do. He'd never had a friend. He'd never had to strike up friendly conversation or focus on the way Evan's Adam's apple bobbed when he drank his water and oh my God, Connor, you're so gay, knock it off.

"So why were you at, um, 7-11?" Evan asked. He was fidgeting with the hem of his shirt again.

"I got in a fight with my dad. I went to clear my head," Connor replied. 

"Oh." That's all Evan said. That's probably all he could say. _Stupid, you're stupid, Murphy, he doesn't care_ \- "I'm sorry to hear that."

He didn't want pity points. He also didn't want to screw up this blossoming friendship, so he willed himself to not get as worked up as he could've gotten. 

"Thanks, I guess."

  
\--------

Evan and Connor continued their conversation but kept it pretty light. It was mostly just little tangents, learning little, basic things about each other. Connor's favorite color was burgundy. His favorite food was spaghetti. He liked hot weather better than cold weather, but he liked wearing hoodies year round. Zoe was meaner than Evan thought and resolidified his fading crush on her. Connor broke his leg in fourth grade skateboarding and colored in the cast black so nobody would sign it. Connor liked to read and draw and go to concerts. Connor was interesting, and Evan really liked it when halfway through their conversation, Connor tied his hair half back. 

"It's late," Evan noted, taking a glance at the clock on the wall.

"You trying to get rid of me?" Connor replied. Evan shook his head furiously. 

"N-no, of course not. I like you here. I just... won't your parents be worried if you don't come home?" 

Connor laughed bitterly. "Evan, have you been listening to me? They don't care. They'll probably think I'm dead in a ditch somewhere and be fine."

Evan frowned and put his hand on Connor's, kind of gripping it a little bit. "Don't say that. I don't want you dead in a ditch." 

Connor just kind of looked at Evan, kind of blankly, but also kind of interested. "I don't want you dead in a ditch either," Connor replied. 

The boys just kind of stared at each other for a bit. Evan thought Connor looked really attractive, and he felt this little drop in his stomach. Connor's eyes flicked down and back up again. Then, he pulled away. 

"Connor?"

"Yeah, Hansen?"

"You have really pretty eyes."

And then Connor was back again, hands cupped around Evan's face. Evan's heart was racing, his eyes wide. He was seconds away from his first kiss... and with Connor Murphy, of all people. He didn't even question it. It just kind of felt natural. And it was something he'd been waiting for. He always thought Connor was attractive. It was actually Connor who helped Evan realize he was attracted to dudes. Bisexual, really. 

And Connor's lips were almost there, like everything was slow motion. He could feel the ghost of his breath. Evan closed his eyes in anticipation, his hand gripping Connor's shirt tight in a fist. 

That is, until Connor's phone rang, three bold, black letters identifying their interrupter: Zoe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol wrote this on my break at work. Posted on mobile so sorry about any format errors or typos or anything.  
> Unrelated, but if you put honey in plantation mint tea, it tastes like heaven tbh (my drink of choice while I serve crabby people food)


	4. two player game.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Connor and Evan don't know what to do with themselves or what happened.

At least, that's what Evan wished happened.

Instead, Connor just kind of smiled a little bit and thanked him for the compliment. And Evan was brought out of daydreams and back into reality where he was aware he was blushing furiously. 

"S-so, um... are you hungry? Do you want anything to eat?" Evan asked, trying to ground himself back to the situation. But  _God_ that almost-kiss was exhilarating. 

"Yeah, if you've got anything, that'd be nice. All I've had today is a slushee," Connor replied, looking over to Evan. 

"Wait, what? You haven't eaten all day?"

Connor's smile faded and he looked away. "I've been busy."

Evan was on his feet instantly. "O-okay, well, let's see what we've got for you to eat," he said, adding in a nervous laugh because Connor's eyes were on him as he awkwardly shuffled into the kitchen. He began to open up cabinets and the fridge and nearly every drawer until Connor shut the silverware drawer Evan had opened.

"Relax, Evan. You don't have to get so worked up, okay?" Connor rose an eyebrow as he spoke, but his face was stone blank.

"I'm calm, yeah. I-I'm not worked up at all."

"Evan. You just opened the silverware drawer looking for food."

Evan swallowed hard and backed up against the kitchen island, rubbing his sweaty palms on his pants. Connor's brows furrowed and now his face read concern as he stepped in front of Evan and looked down at him. He placed a hand on his shoulder and let it sit there for a second before patting it and clicking his tongue.

"I'll just find myself something if you don't mind. Do you want anything?" Connor asked, finally removing his hand awkwardly from Evan's shoulder. Evan shook his head and looked at the ground.  _And I was doing so well, too..._ Connor gave him a little look. "Have a seat, Hansen. I'll be right out."

So Evan made his way back out to the living room and sat with his head in his hand. He could hear Connor rustling around in the kitchen getting himself something to eat. Evan just felt useless at this point.

A buzz drew his attention. Connor's phone.  **ZOE** was onscreen with the accompanying text: 

_**Asshole. Where are you? Mom's about to gather a search party.** _

Evan was a bit shocked by how angry Zoe was. Sure, he knew Connor wasn't perfect, but he couldn't imagine talking to anyone like that unless you hated them. Connor was on his way out though, so Evan pretended like he didn't look. Connor emerged from the kitchen holding a bowl of Fruit Loops, taking a seat on the couch again. He took his first bite and then glanced over at Evan.

"Are you alright, Hansen?"

Evan swallowed and looked at Connor, willing himself to keep his mouth shut rather than rambling on. Connor shot him a look and continued eating his cereal.

\--------

A few hours later the both of them were exhausted. It was nearing 4 AM. Connor read the text and quickly responded to Zoe with:

_**I'm spending the night at a friend's. Fuck off.** _

He didn't want to deal with her right now. 

Connor glanced over to the other end of the couch to find Evan fast asleep, curled up against the arm rest of the couch. He felt a small smile tug at his lips. Evan looked cute asleep. But, dilemma. Even with Evan curled up at the end of the couch, there wasn't enough room for Connor. Connor got up and uncurled Evan from the arm rest and helped situate him into a normal sleeping person position on the couch. He grabbed the throw blanket on the back of the couch and covered Evan with it. Connor then paused. He basically just tucked someone in. It would only be natural to do an ironic forehead kiss, right?

Yeah, no.

He decided against it with flushed cheeks and placed himself on the floor. Dreams would come soon, maybe. 

And they did. And they were filled with Evan.

\--------

Evan woke up on the couch, a bit confused as to why he was covered with a blanket.  _Did Mom come home last night?_ he thought to himself, looking around for any clue of her presence. The laptop was still gone. Connor's empty cereal bowl still sat on the coffee table.  _Connor!_ Evan sat up straight and looked around for any sign of him. Nothing. Bathroom door was wide open with nobody inside. Connor's phone was gone, and so was he. But there was a piece of paper on the coffee table. Evan rubbed his eyes to get rid of the crust. He picked up the letter and let his eyes adjust to the bright sunlight filling the room.

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Thanks for letting me crash at your place last night. And for letting me eat your Fruit Loops. I haven't had those since I was like 6 or 7. I don't know why I'm writing a letter. ~~I know you write them, so I guess~~ Maybe I'm just tired and need a joint? Probably. I didn't want to stick around for the awkward morning after, but I really did like hanging out with you. You're a cool guy. Maybe we could do it again sometime? Probably just at one of our houses though. I don't really see it happening in school. Just because people will talk if they see you hanging around the psychopath, and you don't deserve that. I know you're struggling already. Don't take that the wrong way. Shit, I suck at writing. You probably can't even read this. Just in case you can, I'll keep it PG-13. I like you and I hope you think we're friends? Or maybe we can be now? I don't know. Shoot me a message whenever you get the chance._

_Sincerely,_

~~_Connor_ ~~ _me_

Evan smiled. Connor's handwriting was scrawled and kind of like chicken scratch, but he could read it clearly enough. Evan patted his pockets for his phone and pulled up his messaging app.

**Ev.Han.51: Hey Connor.**

**Ev.Han.51: I got your letter.**

**Ev.Han.51: I really do hope you had a good time last night because I really enjoyed hanging out with you.**

**Murphys_Law: wow, shit, hansen**

**Murphys_Law: wasn't expecting that message**

**Ev.Han.51: Haha, well why not?**

**Ev.Han.51: We're friends, aren't we?**

**Murphys_Law: yeah, you're right**

**Murphys_Law: okay so i saw something crazy on my way home this morning**

**Murphys_Law: you won't believe this...**

\--------

Connor smiled at his phone. He'd been messaging Evan for a few hours, just lying on his bed, smoked about half a joint and then put it out.

This was a friendship he could get behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, off topic, as always, but I recently got into Be More Chill and holy shit guys give it a try if you haven't already.  
> Back on topic, I'm trying to back off on angst because I feel like my original draft of this chapter was super angsty and unrealistic and just ugh awful, so hopefully this is better than that one was? I dunno, sorry for the copout "didn't actually happen" thing haha!!  
> This chapter is also short bc I'm exhausted. I woke up at like 7:30 and worked on a Be More Chill animatic until I ran errands at noon and now it's 5:30 and I haven't eaten yet and my throat is sore and I'm tired and have no energy whoops!!!! ready 4 art college~!!!!! lmao i'm so tired im sorry for this rambly mess


	5. we're not just friends.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cynthia gets suspicious about why Connor's room reeks less and less like weed. (probs the last summary i'll write bc i realized they aren't necessary)

It'd been about a month since Connor and Evan officially declared each other as friends. They didn't speak in school, but every now and then, Connor would actually show up outside Evan's classrooms and relish in the flush that spread across his face and the little smile that formed as he walked on to his next class. Connor convinced Evan to start eating lunch outside out in Connor's car instead of crammed in a bathroom stall. It was a nice way for the two of them to hang out during school without bringing unwanted attention to themselves. And it's not like anyone really ever cared about the whereabouts of Connor Murphy or Evan Hansen (although Connor frequently worried himself with Evan whenever he could afford to take time from his own problems). Then, Connor would drive Evan home. He found out that Evan really liked upbeat music, didn't matter what the genre was as long as the beat was fast and it was in a major key, Connor noted. 

Currently, they were at Connor's house. They were the only ones home. Larry was away on business for the week and Cynthia was on a daytrip with her Mary Kay girls or whatever. Zoe wasn't due home from jazz band for a while. These were the afternoons he loved the most. Evan sitting at Connor's desk whizzing through his math and science homework while Connor randomly shot ideas out into the open for comfortable tangents of conversation. Even though Connor only found himself finding Evan more and more attractive and growing more and more attached to him every time they interacted, he'd settled down and put those thoughts on the backburner. Besides, Evan probably would get creeped out if he knew, so what was the point?

Evan shut his math binder and sighed, rustling his own hair a bit. 

"Oh, don't act like that was hard. Math is super easy for you," Connor teased, a little smirk forming on his face as he spoke. Evan laughed a little bit.

"Doesn't mean I wanted to do it in the first place," Evan replied.

"Oh, Hansen. Everybody and their mother knows you would never skip out on a homework assignment. You practically live to be teacher's pet," Connor quipped. He made sure to laugh a little after to assure Evan that it was, indeed, a joke. Evan smiled at him.

"If only I could get you to write my essays for me. You get 100's on every single one and still aren't satisfied," Evan said, turning on the chair to face Connor who was lying on his back on his bed. 

"I'll write your essays if you do my trig homework."

Evan laughed. "Deal."

Connor smiled at Evan and Evan smiled back. Sometimes, they did this, too. And it was always nice, but always awkward when one of them realized they were staring and smiling like weirdos at each other and quickly look away. Each time it happened, it took longer for someone to react. Connor took the time to examine just how much he liked the curve of Evan's smile and the way his eyes sparkled. Connor did, however, look away first. Only because the front door shut. He didn't know who was home early, be it his mom or Zoe.

"I thought you said nobody would be home for a few more hours?" Evan said. 

"Yeah, I did say that."

The boys sat in silence and listened in. The moment didn't need to be so tense, but Connor was worried about how his mom would smother socially anxious Evan Hansen, and Zoe didn't need to concern herself with who Connor was friends with. She'd probably try and take him away, too. She always did, in the end.

"Connor? Are you home?"

Shit. It was his mom.

"Um, Evan. This is gonna sound really bad and awkward, but could you... hide?" Connor muttered. Evan just kind of sat and stared at him. "Evan." 

Evan snapped out of it and nodded. "O-oh, um. Yeah, sure. Where should I, uh, go?"

Connor didn't have much time to react as his mom's footsteps bounded up the stairs. In a panic, Evan was grabbed and thrown under the heavy comforter on Connor's bed. Connor set himself up at the edge of the bed and pulled his laptop onto his lap, putting in the nearest pair of earbuds he could find. Evan could meet his family, formally, as a friend when everyone was relatively ready for it. And as far as Connor was concerned, if his family didn't even care about  _him_ , he wasn't willing to get Evan involved.

His mom opened the door and Connor looked up as if he was not expecting her. He pulled an earbud out.

"Connor, why didn't you answer me?" she demanded.

"Earbuds," Connor replied.

"Those aren't plugged in," was her reply. Connor looked down and sure enough, they were not.

"Well, they're still noise cancelling headphones." Connor felt Evan shift behind him and some part of Evan was touching his back through the comforter.

"Okay... Connor, can we talk?"

_Shit._  


"Can we talk some other time?" Connor asked. He was nervous she would sit on Evan or Evan would sneeze and reveal himself and then there would be a huge mess and it would end up scaring Evan away.

"I'd rather not. It's about the drugs," his mom said, crossing her arms over her chest. Connor sighed and shut his laptop, putting everything back on the corner of the bed beside him.

"What about the drugs?" Connor was growing impatient. It wasn't really her business anyway whether or not he was smoking pot or crack or meth or what.

"Have you stopped doing them?"

That was not what he expected to hear. He blinked in surprise and took a second to take it in. She sighed and shook her head.

"Well, then, I guess not. I was only wondering because we haven't smelled...  _them_ in a while," his mom explained, looking back at Connor. He honestly hadn't even realized his lack of smoking lately. He usually had to contact his dealer every week, but he hadn't sent a message in... well, shit, a month.

"I guess that's because I'm... I'm trying to lay off?" That was a lie, at least, it was intended to be a lie. Connor wasn't actively trying to stop. It was just kind of happening. His mom grinned and clasped her hands.

"Well, that's fantastic to hear, Connor! I'm proud of you. I'll leave you be now," she said, still grinning as she turned and closed the door behind her. 

Connor sighed.

"You can come out, Evan," he said, his voice sounding more tired than intended. He turned back to see Evan quite adorably peeking his head out of the covers before unsheathing himself completely. He scooted up to sit beside Connor, moving his laptop out of the way.

"Are you really trying to stop doing drugs?" Evan asked. Connor sighed. There was hope in Evan's eyes, and he didn't want to crush it, but he couldn't really stand to lie to him.

"No. It's just kind of happening," Connor said. He rubbed the back of his neck while debating whether or not to say the next part. He went for it. "I think... I think it's because of you."

When Connor finally turned to look at Evan, the boy was blushing and smiling and then suddenly was hugging him. Connor smiled a bit and wrapped his arms around Evan. When Connor opened his eyes, his eyes flicked to his own wrist. His sweatshirt sleeve had been pulled up enough for him to see the scars he tried to hide underneath. He pulled away quickly and yanked the sleeve down. Evan frowned.

"C-Connor? What's wrong? Is it something I did? Oh- oh no, if it's about the hugging thing, I'm sorry, I just... y'know I'm happy and I get a little excited when I get happy, especially around you, and I don't know why I just said that, b-but it's the truth, I'm happy around you and you make me happy, and you're a great friend, but maybe I should ask before I hug and I just..."

"Evan, it's not you." Connor cut him off.

"Then what's wrong?" Evan asked, gently placing a hand on Connor's knee. That sent a jolt up Connor's leg that stopped his heart for a second. But he knew if he was going to tell Evan this that he needed to be calm.

Connor took a deep breath and let it out shakily, letting his head fall and his hair fall to form a curtain around his face as his mildly shaky hands reached to pull his sleeves up to his elbows to show Evan.

Connor felt Evan stop breathing for a second when he saw, and almost broke down sobbing right there when he felt Evan's hand grab his wrist and gently rub his thumb over the scars.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wanna start off by saying thank you to everyone saying nice things about my writing and this story! I read every comment (all of em so far lol) and reply whenever i've got time or a comment is interesting or idk whatever. But i do read you people saying nice things and i really appreciate it so thank you so much!!  
> also have y'all picked up on the chapter naming process? (hint: it's lyrics to whatever song i'm currently listening to)  
> i got some really garbage news today so i wrote to distract myself. sorry if it's not up to par


	6. contain the urge to run away.

Evan couldn't believe his eyes. Well, he had to. There was no option. There, on Connor's wrists were scars. Hundreds. Overlapping. Some white, lighter than his already pale skin, little ripples indicating their age. There were light pink lines and some angrier, newer burgundy marks. Some scabbed, some fading away, but he could still see them. The scars were up and down both wrists and Connor wasn't looking at him and everything was a lot all at once.

It was Connor that spoke first. God knows Evan couldn't. "I just... I thought you should know..."

Evan swallowed hard and his thumbs subconsciously ran over the scars. He really didn't know what to say. His eyes were transfixed on all of the different lines on both of Connor's wrists. Connor suddenly yanked his wrists back, pulling his sleeves back down to cover it all up. He was still staring at the wall and his jaw was set. He couldn't speak either.

"How long?" Evan's voice was weak and it was not what he meant to say, but it got the point across well enough. Connor exhaled, his breathing shaky. He didn't answer, though. Evan inhaled and exhaled slowly and reached to grab Connor's hands gently. "How long has his been happening?"

"...Since middle school. Eighth grade..." Connor's voice sounded broken. He still wouldn't look at Evan. 

Evan either wasn't thinking or was thinking the right things because he reached up to cup Connor's face with his good hand. Connor looked over at him with surprise. His eyes were wet. He was holding tears back. Evan looked at him seriously.

"Connor... I don't like seeing you in pain. I- I don't like seeing you hurting like this. I know this is a way you cope, b-but, you know... it hurts me just knowing that you went through enough pain to hurt yourself. I know your scars are part of who you are and I like who you are. I don't want that to change. But... C-Connor... um... please, if you can, try to stop? I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore." It took a little bit for Evan to be able to say all the words he could muster before he knew he was going to devolve into a stammering mess. Connor just stared at him, his face blank. Evan took a glance down at Connor's hands. He was scratching nail polish off his already chipped nails, rubbing his fingers, clearly nervous.

And it was sudden when Connor closed the distance between the two of them.

\--------

Connor knew it wasn't a good time to kiss Evan. But he was already selfishly eating up Evan's time, he might as well go for the gold while he had everything out on the table. 

He pulled away and examined Evan's face. His lips were parted, those pretty blue eyes wide with shock and a pretty pink blush colored his nose and cheeks. Then, Connor started to feel bad. Evan was probably straight and he probably just ruined his one and only friend by spilling some personal things about himself and then kissing him for God's sake.

What Connor was not expecting was Evan to lean over and kiss him again, almost desperately. Connor inhaled sharply through his nose and kissed Evan back just as hard, one hand cupping the other boy's face and the other hand wrapped around his waist, pulling him closer, as close as he could get him, please for forever. Evan moved his hand from Connor's face to the back of his head, his fingers tangling in Connor's shaggy brown hair. Connor couldn't help the pleased noise he made when Evan accidentally (maybe accidentally) tugged on his hair.

The way they kissed, my God, it was _exhilarating_. Evan kissed like it was the last time he ever would (and Connor really hoped this would not be the last time he kissed him). 

The two parted ways and took in some deep breaths, just kind of staring at each other, eyes flicking back down to lips every so often, but always coming back to the eyes.

Evan's eyes then filled with panic and he leapt up. 

"I-I, um... I j-just remembered that, um... my m-mom... my mom is calling me, and I, um, I-I-I need to go home, y-y'know, my mom is, uh, worried, and i-it's late, and, I-I, um-"

"Evan! Evan, Evan..." Connor bit his lip and held out his hand toward Evan who was clutching at his chest and near hyperventilation. "Evan, come here, please. It's okay, please."

Evan's panicked eyes flickered around the room rapidly before settling on Connor's hand stretched toward him. He was hesitating, but Connor didn't want to push him. He knew what a panic attack felt like. He knew that he needed to be patient. Especially with Evan. And especially because it was Connor's stupid kissing plan that triggered this in the first place.

Evan reluctantly took Connor's hand and Connor slowly led him to the edge of the bed. Connor looked up at Evan and squeezed Evan's hand.

"Let's talk about it, yeah? I promise, nothing bad is going to happen if we talk about it. I'm not mad. I'm not freaked out. And... I don't regret it." Connor nearly mumbled that last part, but he made sure Evan heard the rest loud and clear. He was still having trouble breathing. Connor scootched over and sat Evan on the bed beside him. He gave his hand another squeeze. "Breathe with me, Evan," Connor said softly, staring him as close to in the eyes as he could.

He inhaled slowly, held the breath for a few seconds, and released it slowly. It took about a minute but Evan eventually started doing it too, and by the end, he looked exhausted. Panic attacks were like that.

"So... do you want to talk about it?" Connor asked. Evan turned to face him but he looked away quickly. "We don't have to if you don't want to, and I'm sorry for kissing you in the first place. That was not a good idea, and I feel horrible that it triggered you. I did... I enjoyed it. I'm sorry if that freaks you out."

Evan didn't say anything for a bit. Connor fought the urge to let his anger take hold of him. He needed to stay calm. He couldn't freak out that Evan wasn't over the moon right now. Then, almost inaudibly. "Please don't leave me."

Connor was hit with a wave of emotion and pulled Evan against his chest, one hand gently rubbing his head and the other wrapped tightly around his shoulders. Evan weakly hugged Connor back.

"I'm not going to leave you. Evan, I like you a lot. I want to be around you more. I don't want to go. I don't want you to go, so please don't you go either," Connor replied, voice quiet as he held Evan.

\--------

Evan had fallen asleep. Connor didn't want to wake him, but his mom was blowing up his phone, so, Connor picked it up.

**Mom: Evan?????**

**Mom: Evan please answer me.**

**Mom: Where are you?**

**This is Evan's friend. He fell asleep at my place. Is it okay if he stays here or do you want me to wake him up?**

Connor felt regret for invading Evan's privacy, but he figured it'd be easier to deal with than the police looking for a missing teenage boy. Evan's mom didn't reply for a bit, a nice change from the constant buzzing.

**Mom: Oh. A friend. Sure, Evan can stay. Please tell him to call me as soon as he wakes up though. I'm glad he's okay.**

_Me too,_ Connor thought with a small smile, turning to look at a sleeping Evan curled into a ball at the foot of Connor's bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kind of a rushed chapter considering im really busy today. wrote it in half an hour between club meeting after school, messaging my college roommates, and a class dinner tonight. hope it's okay


	7. i was broken from a young age.

**TW: explicit self-harm**

 

Evan woke up in a bed that was not his. In a room that was not his. He sat up quickly, eyes wide, scanning the room frantically. When he saw the familiar Led Zeppelin poster on the wall, he exhaled and laid back down in Connor's bed. Sunlight filtered in the room through Connor's translucent curtains and the world was quiet. Evan could get used to the sense of peace he felt here. He wasn't used to waking up to quiet. He lived near a busy road, so more often than not, he was woken up by screeching tires, horns blaring, or motorcycle engines that had no business being that loud.

 One thing did strike him as odd though. Connor wasn't around. 

Evan propped himself up on his elbows to look around the room. Connor wasn't anywhere in the room. But Evan was too scared to actually get out of bed and try to find him. He didn't want to meet Connor's parents, and he didn't necessarily want to see Zoe either. There would be too many questions asked, too much expected of him, and he didn't want to get Connor in trouble.

Suddenly, Evan could make out voices downstairs. He couldn't hear what they were saying but they were escalating in volume. Evan swallowed hard and his fingers began to toy with the blanket in his lap. 

"You're never going to be anything if all you can do is drugs!" a loud male voice boomed. Evan flinched. There was a crash and a female voice shrieking, not Zoe. Then footsteps, quick and loud, up the stairs. Evan was rooted to the spot. He knew it was Connor. He didn't want Connor to take his aggression out on him.

And just as sudden, the bedroom door opened and slammed shut: Connor. It was almost like he had tunnel vision, ignoring Evan completely as he reached up to pull at his hair. He was seething, his whole body shaking. Evan didn't say anything. He didn't know what to say. Connor made his way to his dresser and pulled drawers open and slammed them shut, muttering to himself all the while. He pulled out a joint and something that glinted in the soft sunlight.

"C-Connor, wait!" Evan was able to say something, and although his voice was weak, it was heard. Connor froze and turned to face Evan. 

"This isn't your problem, Hansen," Connor replied, his voice low and his eyes dark. Evan recoiled, his back now almost against the bedroom wall.

"I-I can't let you h-hurt yourself. At- at least p-please put the- razor- the razor, away, C-C-Connor, please," Evan's words were spilling out of him, incomplete thoughts and fragments as his mind went numb. He couldn't stand it if he knew Connor hurt himself and he could've tried to prevent it. 

"I said this isn't your problem!" Connor barked. Evan shrank, feeling so, so small as Connor's shadow loomed over him.

"I'm- Connor, I'm sorry, but I- I really can't be here and let you hur... hurt yourself," Evan said in an attempt to plead to him.

"Then fucking leave."

This was not the Connor he kissed last night. This was not the Connor that held him, the Connor that he held. This wasn't the high Connor that signed his cast. This wasn't the Connor that wrote him a letter or the Connor that tried to comfort Evan with his panic attacks.

This was the Connor that Connor tried to control. This was the Connor that was sick and needed help, the Connor that was pushed to the limits and was on the path to self-destruction. And it broke Evan's heart.

"I'm... I'm not going to l-leave you. I c-can't do that t-to you, okay? You can smoke all you w-want, but I don't... I d-don't want you to hurt yourself anymore," Evan was practically begging at this point, feeling panic swell and bloom in his chest, his limbs tingling as Connor stared him down.

"Fuck off, Hansen. You don't control me."

Connor turned and entered his bathroom, the lock resounding through the air with a sickening 'click'.

\--------

A while had passed since Connor had locked himself in his bathroom. At least, it felt like a while. He stared at the patterns in the ceiling, eyes observing the shadows and highlights of every divot in the tiles. He rose the joint to his lips to take another drag. His arm was a numbed kind of pain and he knew by now there had to be a decent sized spatter of blood accumulating on the ground, dripping off his wrist and off his fingertips. 

The fights usually ended like this if Connor had to stay at home. And the funniest part was nobody ever came to check in on him. Nobody ever knocked on the door and asked if he was okay. Nobody ever supported him or gave him a hug or took his side or did anything to make him feel better. They just treated him like he was a monster. The way they looked at him, the things he knew they were thinking. He was the freak. He was the family fuckup who couldn't handle an argument without crying and lashing out aggressively or violently (luckily he'd never taken it upon himself to hit anyone. The most was a shove). His mother was probably downstairs comforting "traumatized" Zoe who had started the altercation by calling Connor a waste of space. Larry was probably watching sports TV and Zoe was probably going to tell all of her friends how psycho her brother was for pushing the table, breaking a glass in the process, and kicking his chair back across the kitchen.

\--------

Evan occupied his time taking in all the fine details of Connor's room once he realized he needed to give Connor some time to calm down. Once he got back to the Led Zeppelin poster for the third time, he pulled out his phone to text his mom. He was surprised to see that Connor had replied to her last night but was relieved that she knew he was safe at a friend's house. 

**Hey, mom. I have a question.**

**Mom: Yes, Evan?**

**My friend, the one that texted you last night, needs help, but his parents won't get him help.**

**Mom: He needs help?**

**Mom: What does that mean?**

**Like... mental help. Like he needs therapy.**

**Mom: Oh. Okay.**

**Mom: And his parents won't get him help?**

**No. I don't know why, but is there anything you can do?**

**Mom: Evan sweetie, I think his parents need to be the ones to get him help.**

**But mom, they won't. Is there any way you can help him go to therapy or something?**

**Mom: We'll see.**

Evan stopped texting his mom, rubbing his sweaty palm on his shirt. That conversation didn't go quite how he wanted it to, but he knew his mom would feel bad and try to get Connor an appointment somewhere. She had a job at reception at a psych unit, too. He didn't think it would be hard to pull some strings to get him at least one session. It wouldn't do much, but maybe it could start making things better?

Evan didn't know. All he knew was that Connor had been in the bathroom for a long time and he was worried about how bad the damage Connor had done to himself was. Evan willed himself to get out of the bed and shuffle nervously up to the door. He knew Connor wouldn't hurt him. The worst he'd do would be to shove him out of the way. He was more scared that Connor would yell at him for being so stupid to think he could actually have friends or someone to care about. So, Evan sighed and nervously raised his fist.

\--------

Connor sighed and took another hit. It was kind of sad that the only thing that helped him calm down was weed, and it only mellowed him out temporarily. People blamed the drugs for the outbursts, but it was the only medication that succeeded in chilling him out. The outbursts had happened long before he'd even known what weed was.

But his family was right, regardless. He couldn't do anything well. Hell, Evan Hansen was the only person that he felt remotely cared about him and what had he done? Told him to fuck off and leave. What a great friend he had been. Now, Evan was probably at home telling Jared Kleinman about what a crazy person Connor was and making fun of him and-

A knock cut Connor's train of thought short. He lazily turned his head toward the door but didn't say anything. There was another knock, much quieter, more hesitant.

Wait. Had Evan actually stayed?

"Evan?" Connor called out.

"Y-yeah... it's me."

A wave of both sadness and relief overcame him and he put his joint out and threw it away. He removed himself from the edge of the bathtub and to the door. He pressed a hand against the door and exhaled shakily. Tears bubbled up in his eyes and he sniffed. Evan was on the other side of that door. Evan stayed even though Connor snapped at him. Evan really wasn't going to leave.

"Just... give me a second," Connor told Evan. He took off his hoodie and ran his wrist under the sink to get rid of the now dried blood. He was so used to it, he had it bandaged up with the hoodie back over it, sleeves and all, in no time. He opened the door to a nervous looking Evan. Evan didn't say anything, he just stared up with wide eyes. "Are you afraid of me?" Connor asked. He felt numb. Whatever Evan said next would dictate which emotion filled that space. He hoped Evan would tell the truth, and he hoped that the truth would be what he was hoping to hear, as unforgivably selfish as that was.

"No."

Evan's response seemed to shock them both. Neither of them said anything, but Evan shakily and cautiously reached over to grab Connor's hand.

"I'm not scared of y-you. I'm worried about you. I want you to get help."

Connor didn't know how badly he needed to hear that until he collapsed to the ground against Evan, sobbing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i needed to make sure i didn't fall into that trope of "connor being magically cured" that a lot of fics do so i had to draw on some dark energies and music to get that angst fire fueled. i also have a theory that connor had bpd (i say this as someone with bpd who does literally the same things connor does) so i tried to explore that  
> im also getting sick and i have to sing v well at my graduation in like two weeks so i really hope this cough is gone by then.  
> also hope y'all enjoy this short and rushed chapter as i head out to make money for the rest of the day.


	8. you know where to find me.

They didn't talk about it. A few days had passed and they didn't talk about the kiss, they didn't talk about the breakdown, and they didn't talk about how they felt for each other.

They talked about other things, normal things, friend things, but Evan couldn't get the kiss out of his mind. He couldn't forget about the way it felt to have Connor right there, pressed against him with his hands gripped tightly anywhere and everywhere. Every time he saw Connor's eyes (blue with that little patch of brown in his left eye), he felt his stomach do a little flip and his palms never failed to actually get sweaty. He replayed smiles and laughter and the way Connor tucked his hair behind his ear and did that little half smile glance over at Evan thing and-  _oh my God, Evan, you are so gay_.

He also tried not to think too much about Connor's self harming incident. He tried to forget that he'd been right there and unable to do anything to help, but anxiety has a funny way of making sure you remember the worst things about yourself.

"Dude, you gotta talk to him," Jared said in a sing-song tone. He didn't even bother glancing at Evan from his position of laying on the floor, phone held out parallel to his head.

"What do you mean? We're talking right now," Evan replied quickly, tapping the side of his phone, waiting for Connor's response.

"I don't mean about the merits of a ficus. I mean about that passionate kiss the two of you so romantically shared."

"No. Not gonna happen," Evan replied. He shot Jared a glance and noticed that certain grin stretching slowly across his face.

"Well, you like him right?" Jared still didn't look at him, but he had that stupid grin on his face, and it made Evan much more nervous.

"W-well, I mean-"

"You either do or you don't, brainiac. It's not that hard," Jared replied with a little laugh.

Evan fidgeted with his fingers and exhaled. He definitely liked Connor. He really liked Connor. But he was too scared that he'd end up ruining the friendship if they decided a relationship wasn't right for them. He absolutely didn't want to lose Connor. The thought alone was enough to make him nauseous. 

"I... I mean... I-I do," Evan muttered. Jared shifted and sat up, now looking at Evan. He refused to make eye contact. "I just don't want to ruin our friendship, y'know? I-If we start dating or... whatever and he ends up hating me, I don't... Idon'tthinkIcouldhandleit." Evan's face was flushed bright red and his breathing was becoming slightly erratic as he struggled to calm down.

That was the first time he'd actually admitted to having feelings for Connor. And the feelings he had for Connor were extremely strong. He'd felt it before with Zoe, but he realized after a while that he just looked up to her a lot. When he saw that she had flaws, the infatuation faded. With Connor, he was comfortable. He knew Connor was flawed and that made him more endearing. There was something stronger about it, and that was terrifying.

Jared was quiet for a moment. That was terrifying too. Jared actually thinking about something and not making a dumb joke. 

"What if he feels the same way about you? How are you ever gonna know if you don't try?" Jared asked. He looked away and back down at his phone, kind of absentmindedly tapping his screen.

"Because, Jared, you know... I... I can't."

"The hell you can't!" Jared was at Evan in an instant, hands on his shoulders. "Are you serious? He's crazy about you. You're crazy about him. You made out. Say. Something. To. Him."

"Jared, stop," Evan muttered, looking away.

"No! Evan, you stop! You've gotta take a chance. You gotta kick this fear in the ass, dude. You're either gonna let this drive you up the wall or you're gonna give it a shot."

"Jared, seriously, stop! That's not how this works!" Evan snapped. Jared recoiled and then his face set in annoyance. He pushed Evan slightly as he got up. Evan just kind of watched in partial annoyance and partial surprise. Jared's eyes were cold as he looked down at Evan.

"I'm trying to help you. I'm trying to help you because we're friends, but hey, if you wanna snap at me, that's fucking fine." His voice was cold too. Before Evan could say anything, Jared was gathering his stuff and out the door. 

Evan curled into a ball where he sat and tried to focus on his breathing.

\--------

Connor looked at himself in the mirror and squinted at his reflection. "You've gotta do this," he muttered to himself. His fingers gripped the edge of the sink tight. He broke his gaze and stared down at the drain. "You've  _gotta_ do this." 

He gave himself a few seconds before pushing himself away and out the door, down the stairs, and into his mom's office. She looked up from her computer and when she saw it was Connor, her mouth gaped in surprise.

"Oh! Connor! What can I do for you?"

Connor cringed. The way she talked to him made it sound like they were more business partners than mother and son. 

"Hey, um... mom. There's something, I, um... There's s-something I wanna talk to you about," Connor replied. He was having a hard time looking at her. He licked his lips in concentration as he watched her face go through several different emotions rapidly. She stood up from her desk and walked around to the front of it.

"Yes, Connor? You can talk to me about anything," she replied. Now, her face read concern. Connor exhaled harshly and looked away, licking his lips again. He reached his hand across his body to grab his other hand. A death grip, almost.

"I... I want to get help."

There was silence. It was an uncomfortable silence. Connor couldn't look at his mom. He didn't know if she was looking at him. What was she thinking? Was she thinking that there was no way her psycho son was going to ruin the family rep by attending therapy? Did she even believe there was a problem? He needed her to speak, wanted her to say anything. 

But there was just silence.

He felt his stomach drop and fire began to fill the empty space between his lungs.

"Y'know what? Never mind," he snarled, turning on his heel. He was up the stairs, bedroom door slammed shut in record time. He heard Zoe yell something probably crude at him through the wall. His head was spinning, face hot, a swelling desire to scream rising in his chest. He grabbed his phone off his bed. It went off in his hand. Evan.

He didn't even bother reading the message, but he was out his window and climbing down the side of the house in no time to head to the Hansen household.

His walking pace was making his breathing difficult and his lungs beg for air, but he pushed through the burn, his anger a nice motivator to move faster. He'd be better just being away from home. Away from the stares and the judgement. Away from his mother's obsession with reputation. Away from his sister's constant provocation. Away from Larry (who surprisingly had nothing to do with it this time. At least not directly). And to Evan.

Evan with warm bluegreen eyes and that big toothy grin. With the blush that spread across his face and to the tips of his ears. Evan who always smelled like brown sugar and cinnamon. Evan with Connor's name written in size 128 font on his cast. 

By the time he reached the front door of Evan's house, his anger had washed away and replaced with overwhelming sadness and guilt. He couldn't be that violently angry thinking about how amazing Evan was. He just had the overwhelming urge to fall into his arms and just cry.

He rung the doorbell and bit his lip, running a hand through his hair as he tried to control the wave of sudden sadness. The emotions. The overwhelming emotions were too much. All the time. It never stopped.

The door opened slowly but surely. And there was Evan, standing there looking confused and concerned.

"C-Connor? Is everything okay?" his voice was soft and cautious.

"Does it look like everything is okay?" Connor replied, but there was no bite behind his words, just exhaustion.

Evan opened the door wider and Connor stepped inside. He balled his hands into fists as Evan shut the door with a quiet click. He felt Evan's hand graze his arm and that was when he lost it.

\--------

Evan just held Connor for a while, his heart breaking with every gasp for air Connor took in. Connor hadn't even said anything about what happened; Evan just held him tight with his casted arm, his free hand running through Connor's hair gently. They stayed like that on the couch until Connor was calmed to sniffles and shaky breaths.

"Can you tell me what happened?" Evan murmured. Connor shifted slightly beneath him.

"I... told my mom I wanted to get help... and she..."

"She what, Connor?"

"She didn't say anything. Just stared at me. I got mad and left."

Evan didn't quite understand Connor's thought process or why he got angry and left, but he cared more about Connor than he did trying to understand every little thing.

"She probably wasn't expecting you to come to her. I know you don't like to be very open about your problems. Just give it some... time," Evan said, and he had to stop himself from using pet names he really wanted to use more than once.

"I guess so..." Connor's voice trailed off. He looked up at Evan with red eyes and dried tears clear on his cheeks. "Evan, why am I so much of a fuckup?"

"What? You're not a f-fuckup, Connor," Evan replied quietly as if anything louder would shatter the boy in front of him.

"Then why can't I do things normally? Why do I get so angry and violent and then get so sad and hopeless?" Connor was looking at him as if he was expecting the solution to all his problems. If Evan could've given it to him, he would've, for any price.

"Because you're mentally ill, I-I'm sorry. I am too. I don't understand why I can't be normal too," Evan responded. He didn't even think about it as he tucked a chunk of hair behind Connor's ear that had fallen on his face.

"I don't want to be like this anymore." Connor looked so fragile. Evan had never seen him so vulnerable.

"I'll help you however I can. I want you to be happy, Connor. What can I do to make you happy right now?" Evan asked. Even though the circumstances were not good ones, he loved that he could look into Connor's beautiful eyes and that Connor was looking into his as well.

Connor paused but held eye contact, almost uncertain of whether or not he actually wanted to say anything.

But he did.

"Kiss me, Evan. Make me forget."

And Evan did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two very sad connors in a row, i know, i know. unforgivable.  
> im full of nervous energy and kind of sort of vented through connor in a way with this chapter? unforgivable as well /i know/  
> im gonna add a "bpd connor" tag bc im gonna be definitely exploring that more esp bc bpd is so under-represented and honestly connor is poster child unfortunately  
> i promise next chapter will be cute, i promise ill refrain from the angst and sad stuff  
> thank you all so so so so so much for reading and leaving me nice comments and responding to these notes ashkghwagrlue <3


	9. savior of the human race.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: gets a lil steamy at the end but nothing explicit

Connor instantly calmed when Evan pressed their lips together. It was a needy kind of kiss, but it wasn't desperate or hungry or rushed. It was the sweet and lingering kind of kiss, like they'd done it a million times before. Connor gently reached a hand up to cup Evan's cheek and Evan held a hand in Connor's hair.

When they parted, Evan smiled. That smile was the most beautiful thing Connor could've seen. It also spurred Connor to grab Evan by the front of the shirt and pull him down to kiss him hard. He'd asked to forget and he intended to forget. Evan kissed him back for a bit, but pulled away. Connor frowned and was honestly confused. Had he done something wrong?

"I just..." Evan's voice trailed off. Connor scooted away from Evan a bit, afraid he'd freaked him out by coming on too strong.

"Yeah?" Connor asked, voice equally soft. 

"Why don't we take naps? Th-then, when we wake up, if you want, we can... do... this..." Evan seemed unsure of himself and started playing with the hem of his t-shirt.

"Why naps?" Connor asked. The more Evan talked, the more confused Connor got.

"I-I, just... I just, um..."

"Evan, just tell me what's going on," Connor replied, cutting Evan off. Connor was still emotionally drained and tired and could've used a nap, but he wanted to be awake and with Evan right now, no matter how drained he felt.

Evan hesitated. Connor sat patiently, for once not feeling a flare of temper rise up.

"IlikeyoualotConnorMurphy."

"What?"

Evan flushed a deep red. Connor rose an eyebrow and leaned in closer. Evan took a deep breath and looked Connor determinedly in the eyes.

"I like you a lot, Connor Murphy."

Connor wasn't sure if he was supposed to be surprised by this revelation or not, but he couldn't help his eyes widen at the way Evan just came out and bluntly stated it.

And then, silence. There was a lot of silence in Connor's life lately and it wasn't the silence he wanted or needed.

"I-"

"Oh God, no I-I'm sorry. Tha-that was so stupid of me to just come out and say b-because who even knows if you like me or not, a-and, I just, oh God what if you think I'm a loser, and wh-what if you think I'm a pathetic loser who nobody is ever going to like and I- we just kissed and that was- oh God, and-"

Connor sat up to kiss Evan again, effectively quieting the stammering, panicked boy. He pulled back and cupped Evan's face with both hands.

"Dork. I like you so much. So  _so_ much. So fucking much it makes me dizzy. In a good way," Connor said. His words were concise. He was just kind of saying the first fragments that came to mind, but it was kind of hard to focus when the way Evan was looking at him was super distracting.

"You... you do?" Evan asked. He sounded so in awe and that kind of broke Connor's heart. He didn't sound hopefully or happy, he just sounded kind of sad like he thought Connor was yanking his chain.

Connor gently pulled Evan down to kiss him and then pulled back.

"Yes. I do. A lot. I promise."

Evan grinned and pulled Connor into a tight hug, both boys blushing fiercely.

\--------

Evan was tucked under Connor's arm and some action movie was playing on TV. They'd been cuddled up together for at least an hour now, Connor's arm wrapped tightly around Evan's shoulders and Evan's fingers tangled with Connor's. They hadn't officially asked each other out or confirmed the "boyfriend" thing, but it was basically a thing now. Evan felt safe. Well, doubly safe. He was in his house, on his couch, with just Connor, being held close and protectively by Connor. It couldn't get any better than this. Connor turned his head and pressed a kiss to the top of Evan's head.  _Okay. It just got better._ And they sat in silence. Comfortable silence. 

"Are you hungry?" Connor mumbled, his lips pressed to the top of Evan's head again.

"Yeah, a little bit," Evan admitted. Honestly, he was starving. He was surprised Connor hadn't heard his stomach growling earlier. Or maybe he had and that's why he was asking in the first place.

"Hungry for anything specifically?" Connor asked. Evan turned to look at him. Connor smiled at him and Evan flushed. Connor's smile had magical powers that made his stomach flip, even now.

"Um, not really? Anything is fine with me."

"Okay. I'm gonna make pancakes then," Connor announced. He leaned down to kiss Evan quickly before leaving him on the couch to go into the kitchen. Evan sat there for a bit, smiling dumb at nothing, just happy to have Connor like this, before he realized that they had no box mix.

"O-oh! Connor, wait! We don't have any pancake mix!" Evan exclaimed, scrambling off the couch. He made his way to the kitchen to find Connor already had a spread of ingredients on the kitchen counter. Connor gave him this cute little puppy dog eyed look without even realizing he was doing it,  _that cute jerk_.

"S'fine. I can make 'em from scratch," Connor replied, gesturing to the aforementioned ingredients. Evan must've look dumbfounded because Connor raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms. "What? What's wrong? Didn't think I was capable of cooking?"

"Well, um, no, it's not that with those exact words," Evan replied, taking a second to compute that Connor Murphy knew how to actually cook things and everything looked legit so it wasn't like some prank, "it's just that I didn't know you could cook."

Connor's mouth twisted into a little smirk and he began to measure ingredients out to put in a mixing bowl. "Well, duh. Cooking is one of the only things I can do right." Evan stood, staying dumbfounded. Connor paused his measuring and looked up at Evan (whose heart almost stopped because he was so so gay for those pretty eyes). "How many pancakes are you gonna want?"

\--------

Connor was probably gonna puke full pancakes for days. The pancakes he made with Evan were the only thing he'd eaten all day and he was starved enough to eat a lot more than he normally would. Evan only had a few, so he was fine.

"Are you okay, Connor?" Evan asked, his brow furrowed in concern.

"Just gotta digest those goddamn pancakes," Connor replied with a little sigh. "I'll be good in like, fifteen minutes."

Evan laughed a little bit and grabbed his phone out of his pocket. He frowned at the screen and typed out a reply.

"What's going on, Hansen?" Connor asked. Evan huffed.

"Jared."

"Kleinman? Bath bomb boy?"

Evan's lips quirked up at that. "Yes. That Jared."

"Well, what's going on with him?" Connor pressed, hoping not to spoil that cute little smile. He did, and he cursed himself silently.

"We got in a little fight. It's stupid. He's still mad," Evan replied. He looked frustrated. Connor reached over and ran his fingers through Evan's hair to the back of his head and pulled Evan closer to kiss the top of his head, which he discovered he loved doing because Evan's hair smelled like sunshine.

"He'll get over it. Nobody can stay mad at you. I know I can't," Connor replied.

Evan sighed and put his phone on the coffee table.

"He said he'd be stopping by at some point later today, but didn't tell me when and didn't say if we were gonna, like, make up or just fight more."

Connor just pulled Evan into his chest and let his heartbeat chill out. He also knew Evan was listening to his heart beat. Which was beyond adorable and something he wanted to happen more because gosh this was such a stupid, cheesy moment.

Evan pulled back to look at Connor and Connor just kind of smiled at him as he leaned in to get a kiss. A slow, sweet kiss like before. Just Evan and Connor cozy on Evan's couch with Die Hard gunshots blaring in the background.

\--------

And because it was Evan and because he was kissing someone as ethereal as Connor, it didn't take long for the kiss to escalate from sweet and slow to hungry and hungrier until he had pushed Connor against the arm rest of the couch and was kind of half-straddling him. And by God, Evan was living for the barely audible noises Connor was making as he gently pulled on his hair (something he noticed from the first time they kissed). And Connor's hands were moving slowly but steadily down Evan's back, currently resting on the top of his hips. Connor pulled back to breathe. Evan bit his lower lip and noticed Connor's eyes immediately moved to that bit of action. He also noticed when Connor's hands moved down and grabbed his ass. He moved quickly to capture Connor's lips again, kissing him with force as Connor squeezed and everything was so nice and this was so good and probably moving a little too fast but, pardon his french,  _fuck it_.

"Holy shit."

Connor and Evan pulled away quickly and their eyes found Jared Kleinman standing in the doorway holding a grocery store bag in his hand, jaw wide.

"I know teenage boys are horny, but  _Jesus Christ_ , Evan, I didn't know you were screwing Hot Topic."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> took way too long but ive been busy. finals week has started and i have work more and more and im ugh about it all  
> hope y'all enjoy the fluff bc it is not likely to last long. im passionate asf and suck at writing anything that's not sad or sex


	10. i see the wires pulling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: underage drinking and bc jared is involved some naughty suggestions are made but overall id like to think this is pretty fluffy

"I know teenage boys are horny, but  _Jesus Christ_ , Evan, I didn't know you were screwing Hot Topic."

Evan's face flushed an ever brighter red if that was even possible at this point and he moved himself off of Connor who just kind of folded his hands over his lap for slowly rising but obvious reasons. Jared snorted and shut the front door behind him.

"What are you  _doing here_ , Jared?!" Evan exclaimed, clearly flustered.

"I told you I was coming over," Jared replied, stepping into the living room. He cast his glance at Connor, eyes flicking to his lap, with his famous little laugh. "Thought you could sneak in a quick handy before I came 'round? Go ahead and finish, I don't mind."

"Can it, Kleinman," Connor grumbled, shooting him a death glare, trying to will the problem away.

"Actually, reconciliation present, I thought we could bottle it," Jared quipped, pulling out a bottle of Jack from the grocery bag.

"You really think you were gonna get Evan to drink?" Connor snorted, looking over at Evan who instead looked down at the floor, face reading... shame? 

Wait. What the fuck?

Connor's eyes widened and stayed fixated on Evan who didn't say anything, but instead chewed on his lip nervously and fidgeted his fingers.

"Evan's shaping up to be quite the little alcoholic in training," Jared said, patting Evan on the shoulder and setting the bottle on the coffee table.

"Jared, stop," Evan muttered.

"No, Jared, don't stop," Connor interrupted. Jared and Evan both turned to look at him. Connor, very confused, looked between the two of them for a second. Jared seemed confused but also amused, Evan seemed terrified. "Evan... you drink?"

"Y-yeah, okay, I do," Evan muttered in reply, looking away.

Jared didn't say anything, just went into the kitchen and came back with three short glasses. He set them on the coffee table and lightly pushed Evan to sit beside Connor. Nobody touched anything. Connor was totally down to drink, but he was more curious as to what Evan and Jared were going to do.

To Connor's complete surprise, Evan was the first one to pour himself a glass. Jared offered him a little smile as Evan handed him the bottle.

\--------

Evan hadn't planned on telling Connor that he drank and that he drank fairly regularly. Every time he went to Jared's house, the two drank, even if it was only a little bit. Jared's parents were usually away, and when they weren't, they were off fighting somewhere, so the liquor cabinet was always fair game. Jared usually was quiet when his parents were home. He rarely made those stupid, inappropriate comments, and he always drank more than usual. The only time he never drank was when his older brother was home and that was because Jesse would kick his ass if he found out.

Evan had already finished two glasses by this point, Jared on his second, and Connor taking a break between glass number one (although he'd downed it like a shot) and glass number two. The three had surprisingly settled into a steady conversation with the current topic being movies that were coming out. Connor and Jared actually got along pretty well, at least in regard to being civil over alcohol that Jared had provided and in the presence of Evan. Under different circumstances, Evan couldn't help but wonder if they'd be beating the shit out of each other by this point. 

"So," Jared began, setting his glass down, "how about we play a game?"

"W-well, I've got Mario Kart, Mario Party, Super Smash B-"

"Not a video game, Evan," Jared said quickly but not angrily. In fact, his lips were turned up into a smirk. "A game to get to know each other."

"I-I'm not sure if that's the best idea. I kind of feel like... Ifeellikethat'stargetingConnor."

"What about Connor?" Connor asked, bumping Evan's knee with his own. He didn't look angry, his face was just void of emotion. That was worrying in itself.

"He is accusing me of targeting you, which I am," Jared replied, taking another swig of his drink. Jared had gotten good at being able to easily decipher Evan's mumbled rambles. It was a blessing and a curse.

"I'm fine with being targeted," Connor replied, sending a dirty look Jared's way. Evan got nervous. Okay, maybe he was wrong about them getting along.

"As long as you're not targeting me in your little hitlist yearbook," Jared quipped, taking another swig. So did Connor. Evan poured himself another glass with slightly shaky hands.

"What's the game?" Connor asked.

"Never Have I Ever," Jared replied.

"That's fucking stupid," Connor responded with a breathy little laugh thrown in at the end.

"Then what's your suggestion for the box?" Jared inquired, sending an equally dirty look back at Connor.

"How about we don't play games. J-Just talk," Evan suggested. Jared laughed and slapped Evan's shoulder.

"Or we could have a threesome. That'd certainly be a way to get to know each other," Jared said with a laugh. Evan went bright red and set his glass down with more force than intended.

"Don't tell me you're actually excited at the thought of a threesome with Kleinman," Connor snorted, raising his glass to his lips. Evan turned quickly to face Connor and just kind of puffed his cheeks out. 

"Hey, Murphy, I'll have you know that I've got some skills, okay," Jared replied. Connor smirked and rose his hand up.

"Yeah, but I've got these long fingers and they can play piano pretty well."

Evan coughed over his drink and Connor and Jared both started cracking up laughing while Evan tried to compose himself.

\--------

The bottle was finished and Jared had started them on the second that he'd brought. Evan and Connor were cuddled up together on the couch, the alcohol calming Evan's anxiety to almost nothing, at least as it seemed. He was currently laying on Connor's chest, Connor running his fingers through Evan's hair, staring at the ceiling.

Jared was sat on the floor, slurring bad jokes together and laughing at all of them. Connor had stopped paying Jared attention once he'd started to feel warm and light headed. All he wanted to do was hold Evan and love him. He liked to think he was doing a pretty good job at both at that moment. Evan was very drunk and singing Sweet Home Alabama quietly into Connor's chest. Connor thought that was about the cutest thing he'd ever seen.

"Hey. Evan," Connor said quietly. Evan lazily held his head up and smiled at Connor.

"Yeah?"

"I think I might love you," Connor admitted, just letting the words fall out of his lips as fast as his brain was processing them.

Evan grinned and left a sloppy kiss on Connor's cheek. "Don't think," he replied, moving back to listen to Connor's heartbeat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> had a shit day at work. wrote some cute tree bros to cheer me up  
> also that sincerely three reference. i was tempted to make it happen. i did not go through with it.  
> also i had the revelation at work today near the end of my shift that i would realistically be in love with all three of these boys for different reasons like connor is just beautiful and me and the angst vibes would match. and evan idk hes adorable as shit. and jared would be a piece of garbage asshole that id have a giant crush on so thats that


	11. there's someone somewhere.

Connor wasn't in school that Monday.

Zoe was. She didn't even look at Evan when she passed him in the hall. Nobody said anything to Evan, and that was the most worrying thing.

**Connor? Where are you?**

Evan nervously tucked his phone back in his bag and tried to pay attention to his physics teacher. Even though he was worried to the point where his head would not shut up running through all the horrible possibilities, he couldn't afford to let his grades suffer. He'd just wait until lunch and try to call if Connor didn't reply. He really hoped Connor replied. He filled out the packet as slowly and methodically as he could to give himself something to focus on.

The bell rang and students got up to leave the room. Evan took his time packing up. He was shaking. Connor hadn't replied and it'd been at least twenty minutes since Evan had texted him. He spotted Zoe on his way to the computer lab for his research class, but he felt a knot form in his throat thinking of speaking to her.  _Stupid anxiety. You can't even toughen up to make sure Connor is okay. That's just sad and pathetic, Evan._ Evan swallowed hard and just made his way to the lab. He checked his phone. Nothing.

He did some research for a paper that was due soon in his European history class. He checked his phone. Nothing. Found another source. Checked his phone. Made a citation. Checked his phone. Stared out the window. Checked his phone.

"Mr. Hansen, no phones," the teacher boomed. All eyes were on Evan and he flushed bright red, muttering a very stammered and quiet sorry as he put his phone away and rubbed his sweaty palms on his pants. He zeroed his attention in on a muted video playing in the corner of the screen and tried to take steady breaths to calm himself.

Lunchtime came and no reply from Connor. It had been a few hours and now he was having trouble breathing. His heart was racing and so was his mind, a thousand thoughts a minute, a million images of Connor in danger or dead flashing by as well. With hands trembling, he fumbled to dial Connor's number. It rang so, so many times before Connor's voicemail came through.

"It's Connor. Can't take the call right now, I'm busy. Leave a message and I'll try to get back to you."

_Beeeeeeeeep._

Evan hung up. He quickly got up and made his way to a bathroom. The same bathroom he'd first spoken to Connor in, ironically. He borderline collapsed on the ground and sobbed into his hands. He was so beyond worried about Connor that he felt nauseous. He needed to go home, so he texted his mom and headed home once he'd calmed down enough to walk.

\--------

Connor felt nauseous. He was so nervous for what was going to come back.

His mom had booked him an appointment with a psychiatrist and a psychologist to finally get him some help. Larry was not happy about it, but Cynthia was concerned enough to believe Connor and at least see what was going on with him. He was picking the nail polish from his nails as he sat in the waiting room. He'd just gotten done speaking to the psychiatrist and the two were talking to his mother and then were going to come to a consensus with a diagnosis.

While he was relieved that he'd finally get answers and would stop feeling so defeated and helpless all the time, he was afraid to see a name put to the face, so to speak. He knew what all of his symptoms were. He knew how he lashed out and how he couldn't control his emotions among other things, but he wasn't sure he wanted to learn about what was actually going on with him. What if it couldn't be fixed? What if he was doomed to feeling like this for forever?

His phone was in his hoodie which he'd left in Cynthia's car. He kind of wished that he would've brought it in with him. At least he could talk to Evan to calm his nerves.

After what seemed like forever, Cynthia emerged, blotting her wet eyes with a tissue. Connor kind of sat up, wondering what had happened. He didn't want to pry, though, as she took a seat beside him, so they sat in silence for a few minutes broken up only by Cynthia's sniffles as she calmed herself down.

"You know, Connor," she began, her voice filled with emotion, "they don't give you a handbook on how to parent." She laughed weakly at that.

"I don't think they have any good books for that anyway," Connor replied. His mom laughed a little at that too and Connor almost smiled.

"I just..." She trailed off and took Connor's hands in her own, looking him in the eye. "I love you, Connor. And I want you to feel better. I know you must be hurting. I want you to find happiness."

Connor just kind of stared at her with wide eyes, feeling something odd stir inside him. He almost wanted to cry, like it was a relief to hear those words, especially from his mother.

Cynthia didn't say anything else, just squeezed his hands and let them go, smiling at her son and turning away.

Now Connor really wished he had his phone on him.

\--------

Evan just kind of laid in bed and cried, checking his phone obsessively for anything that could tell him where Connor was. All he could imagine was that he was dead or in a hospital or something. He checked obituaries, the local police website for recent arrests, literally everything he could think of, and nothing came up. He just felt sick and hopeless and just really hoped Connor was alright.

\--------

Connor was not alright. Severe BPD, anxiety, and depression. He had to attend an hour and a half of therapy every week and was prescribed Lexapro and Remeron to help chill him out and balance him out. His mom scheduled his first month of appointments for him while he just kind of stood and stared at the wall, completely zoned out.

He didn't know a lot about the details of his diagnosis, but he knew enough to know that he felt like shit about it. Especially because he knew BPD was pretty much permanent. That was the most crushing part of it all.

Cynthia didn't say anything to him as they made their way to the car. Connor just kind of tried to push it to the back of his mind as he reached for his phone. Evan was probably worried sick. Cynthia started up the car and Connor's phone lit up with an enormous amount of notifications that made his stomach drop even more.

**Evan: Connor? Where are you?**

**Evan: Please be okay.**

**Evan: Connor please.**

**Evan: Please repond**

**Evan: respond**

**Evan: I'm so worried Connor please**

***missed call from Evan***

**Evan: Oh god please be okay**

***3 missed calls from Evan***

**Evan: nobody is saying anything h muy God Conor pleae**

***8 missed calls from Evan***

**Evan: fuck connor please be okay**

***missed call from Evan***

Connor could not risk calling Evan now in front of his mom, so he just had to sit uncomfortably while he waited for the car to pull into the garage. He practically leapt out of the car and up to his room, taking an extra precaution of going into his bathroom for optimum privacy. He dialed Evan's number. Evan picked up right away.

"Connor! J-J-Jesus C-Connor where th- where the hell h-have you been?!" Evan was hiccuping as he spoke, obviously crying.

"Evan, I-I'm sorry. I left my phone in my mom's car. Fuck, Evan, I'm so fucking sorry, I can't believe I did this to you," Connor replied, running his hand roughly through his hair. He was shaking, angry at himself for causing Evan to get so worked up and worried.

Evan didn't say anything for a bit, just kind of cried and tried to catch his breath. It broke Connor's heart to hear him like this.

\--------

Evan laid in bed feeling drained. The call with Connor went on for three hours. Connor told him all about his appointment and his diagnosis and everything that had happened and he apologized practically every other sentence. It didn't take Evan long to calm down once he knew Connor was okay and had just been at an appointment. By the end of it, Connor had even managed to make him laugh, but spending an entire day on the verge of a serious panic attack was enough to wear him out.

Evan shuffled downstairs to eat something as his stomach was growling in protest of the unintentional fast he had put himself through due to the stress. He settled on some Hot Pockets and sat himself down while he waited for them to heat up. He thought about Connor, thought about his own therapy appointments and medication, thought about his mom, his dad, and a lot of other really heavy stuff. Even though it was a lot to handle and upsetting subject matter, by this point, he'd kind of become numb to the old stuff. The new stuff, that Connor was suffering, was what was really bothering him. It never really occurred to Evan just how much Connor was going through. Before he'd actually talked to Connor and learned who he really was, he was like everyone else in the school. He thought Connor was crazy and unpredictable, just a violent kid who would probably end up in jail for assault. Obviously, even then, Connor was mentally ill. The thought had never crossed Evan's mind before, and he felt guilty for that. He'd been so absorbed with himself and his own problems that he didn't even realize he was acting like all the kids who made fun of him for his anxiety.

Evan finished his food and went back up to his room. He changed into a pair of pajama pants and took his shirt off, laying back down on his bed again. There was a lot going through his mind.

He didn't get to think much more as a knock at his window nearly gave him a heart attack. He sat up quickly and turned to see Connor waving at him from the other side of his window, sitting on a tree branch. Evan opened the window, wide eyed.

"Connor?! Wh-what-"

"Aren't you gonna invite me in, Hansen? It's pretty chilly up in this tree," Connor replied, looking around Evan's backyard.

"Wh-why are you in my tree?!" Evan asked, clearly shocked, as he moved aside to let Connor enter his room. Connor snorted.

"Your tree? That's kind of cute," he replied, shoving his hands in his pockets. Evan shut and locked his bedroom window and turned to look at Connor.

"What are you doing here?" Evan managed to spit out eventually. Connor looked down at him and tilted his head a little bit.

"Making up for scaring you half to death for most of the day," Connor responded casually.

Evan just kind of stood and stared at this breathtakingly beautiful boy, his hair messed up from climbing a tree and walking here on a windy night, his cheeks and nose flushed scarlet from the cold, and his eyes just so pretty and yeah, Evan had accepted that he was super gay for his eyes. Evan didn't even realize he was moving closer to Connor until he was right up against him. Connor just kind of looked down at him, appearing almost puzzled. Evan reached up with his good hand to cup Connor's face and kiss him. Connor smiled into the kiss and wrapped his arms around Evan's waist.

It was sweet. It made Evan's heart flutter. Connor pulled back and kissed the top of Evan's head.

"C'mon, dork, let's cuddle," Connor said, his voice quiet like it was meant only for Evan. Evan hoped it was, no matter how selfish he felt about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> connor and evan need to communicate better and i wanted some angst and connor getting help  
> also would anyone be offended if i added some nsfw stuff in? i wont go full blown graphic, but i just wanna see if thats something yall would be okay with?  
> also i graduate in 2 days wow time flies


	12. we do what we want to.

Connor woke up first the following morning to the sun rising, the sky painted the prettiest shades of pinks and yellows. The leaves of the tree outside the window shook gently with the morning breeze. Evan shifted on his chest to seemingly get closer to Connor. Connor smiled and reached across his chest to carefully play with Evan's hair. He felt like the luckiest guy in the world, and it helped that Evan was absolutely adorable while asleep.

They didn't need to actually be awake to get ready for school for another half hour, but Connor was perfectly fine staying like this.

The blues in Evan's room were highlighted nicely in reaction to the contrast of the warm colors streaming through the window. Evan had a decent amount of blue in his room. Connor noted there was writing on his dresser and two dark blue handprints, one big and one small, above it. Connor smiled when he realized they were the handprints of Heidi and little Evan that were probably done when the dresser was painted blue. Connor liked thinking about little, happy Evan. He also liked thinking about Evan in general, but that was different.

He had a framed picture/poster thing on his wall about different types of wild plants. It looked like the kind of thing one would find on discount at a craft store. That was really cute, too. Lots of things about Evan were cute. Too many things about Evan were cute.

There wasn't a lot out in Evan's room, though. Everything was very organized and kept hidden away in drawers and storage bins. He didn't really want to snoop in Evan's stuff, but he wanted to learn everything he could about him. He was such an interesting person and Connor completely dug that.

Evan stirred, emitting a little grunt as his eyes squeezed shut and then opened up. He blinked a few times in confusion and then looked up to Connor, smiling softly.

"You're still here," Evan muttered. There was this light in his eyes and the way his smile was just soft and stretched out just enough. It made Connor's heart flutter.

"Of course I'm still here, Hansen," he replied as gently as he could, leaning down a bit to press a kiss to a very smiley Evan. "You can't get rid of me that easily."

Evan giggled a little bit and Connor absolutely blushed when Evan pressed a gentle kiss to his jaw.

"I never want to get rid of you. I want to stay here with you for forever," Evan muttered, snuggling up close to Connor. Connor looked at the clock on Evan's nightstand. They needed to get up for school, but when did Connor ever actually care about school unless Evan was there?

"We can stay here as long as you'd like, love," Connor replied. Evan looked up at him with half-lidded, still sleepy eyes, a flush spreading across his cheeks.

"But we have school," Evan began to protest. Connor cut him off by pressing their lips together. Evan reached up to cup Connor's face and Connor tightened his grip around Evan as the kiss deepened, mouths open and tongues collecting the other's germs.

Evan pulled away and licked his lips, eyes flicking to Connor's.

"Yes, we do have school. Wouldn't you rather do that all day?" Connor replied. Evan flushed and made eye contact with Connor.

"I- don't make me admit that, Connor," Evan muttered. Connor laughed a little bit and hugged Evan closer even though he really couldn't get much closer than he was.

\--------

So, Connor called the school to call them both off for being "sick" (at Evan's insistence, really. Also, Heidi would probably have a heart attack if Evan did something un-Evanlike) and the two spent a good three hours laying in Evan's cramped twin size bed just talking and kissing. And then Connor's stomach growled, so the two were getting dressed and ready to head out for breakfast.

Evan was secretly nervous to be going out with Connor, especially to a restaurant. They'd never gone out anywhere together before that wasn't nature and just the two of them. Connor didn't know all of Evan's nervous little ticks when it came to ordering at restaurants and being picky, but the car ride there was calm; Connor had turned the radio on and was tapping his fingers to the beat against the steering wheel. They didn't talk, but the silence was nice. At least, it was until Connor pulled into the parking lot and killed the engine. He looked over at Evan and smiled, and Evan smiled back, but he knew he was showing that he was nervous. If Connor noticed, he didn't say anything, just walked around and opened Evan's door.

Evan's heartbeat skipped and then chilled out when Connor laced their fingers together, leading them into the restaurant. He wasn't worried if anyone would say anything just because Connor made him feel safer, always. It felt nice that Connor did all the talking, helping Evan through ordering like they'd done this a million times.

And he noticed the way the light caught Connor's hair and lightened the edges, looking like he was bathed in bright (fluorescent, but still pretty) light. And the way his smile slowly stretched across his face, resting his face on his fist... Evan felt warmth bloom in his chest. He felt like they were the only two in the world that mattered.

And Evan realized, without any fear whatsoever, that he was falling in love with Connor Murphy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry if this chapter is not up to par; i know its ridiculously short but it took me several hours just to write some dang fluff for these tortured boys  
> a sophomore at my high school committed suicide yesterday and it's been a rough time for me because i knew him. its been hard for me to concentrate. me and two other kids are trying to jumpstart a change, though, which i hope will be successful. its disgusting how people are treating this. like people are making it about them and administrators have the audacity to blame him for their shortcomings like its... revolting.


	13. boy im gonna love you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: some nsfw sprinkled throughout and culminating (not completely) at the end of the chapter

Connor wasn't thrilled being in school through the next week. Even though Evan had been completely chill when they'd skipped a day together, he called Connor frantically the next morning and demanded that they both attend school fully for the rest of the year (that was something Connor couldn't comply with, but he could get through a week). Impatience was setting in, though. He'd barely spent time alone with Evan as the two didn't ever see each other in school aside from maybe for 30 seconds in the hall between classes. And because Evan had roped Connor into promising he'd actually attend class, he couldn't even skip to spend lunch with him anymore. It was the first time he'd attended gym or science in months, honestly. The teachers seemed like they'd forgotten Connor was even part of their classes.

It was raining outside. Connor was staring out the window, watching the dark clouds roll by, the water droplets race on the window, and most certainly not paying much attention in class. He'd always enjoyed the rain and storms. The sound was soothing and if he didn't get himself worked up, he could easily spend a whole rainy day without any insane surge of emotion. 

His phone buzzed in his pocket, breaking his concentration. He pulled it out, blatantly not caring if the teacher saw, because, really, what were they going to do anyway? Connor always won those types of battles, no matter the outcome.

**Evan** :  **Can you skip gym next period and come to study hall with me?**

**yah sure. everything okay, hansen?**

**Evan: Kind of? I just want you here.**

Connor smiled to himself and spent the rest of the period listening to the drum of rain in his ears, eyes fixated on the clock above the door across the room.

\--------

Evan nervously fiddled with the hem of his shirt. Study Hall didn't start for another two minutes, but Connor wasn't there yet. Truth be told, he missed Connor. It'd been a few days since they'd really seen each other or even talked outside of text. Obviously, they weren't really ready to expose their relationship or whatever it was to the rest of the school. People were still reeling at the idea that Connor and Evan were  _friends_ , and neither of them particularly wanted the harassment that would ensue if people found out the two outcasts were dating.

Evan looked up just in time to see Connor wander into the library, searching for Evan. He gave Connor a little wave, hoping the motion would help Connor find him. It took a few more seconds, but when Connor's eyes landed on Evan, he smiled this sweet smile and headed over. Evan couldn't help but smile back.

"So, you miss me?" Connor asked teasingly as he took a seat beside Evan. Evan laughed a little bit and fidgeted his fingers.

"Y-yeah, I do," Evan replied, not even bothering to try to come back with something witty. Connor didn't even flinch, just gave Evan this gentle look.

"Good. Because I miss you too."

Evan's heart did a flip at how gentle Connor's voice was and what the words meant. He did a little look around the library and when he felt as though nobody was looking, he reached over and put his hand over Connor's. Connor discreetly glanced around the library and shifted so that their fingers were intertwined. Evan blushed a little bit and smiled at Connor who was smiling back at him already.

"So, you've been going to all your classes?" Evan asked quietly. Connor laughed a little bit.

"Yes, but that doesn't mean this is going to stick. I'd much rather be reading a book out in my car than suffering through whatever the hell a coulomb is," Connor replied.

"Physics? Coulombs aren't that hard to understand. It's basically-"

"Hansen, I don't care... but thank you for the offer," Connor cut him off and quickly tacked on an explanation. Evan just laughed a little bit. Connor knew how to read Evan and how to work around triggering his anxiety and Evan was getting better (he thought, anyway) at reading Connor. It wasn't like "walking on eggshells" as Jared had so rudely put it. It was more understanding psychologically how his brain processed things and being careful to fully explain his thought process and explain his actions. It wasn't much more than he was already doing, and it made Connor happy even if he didn't show it, so it made Evan happy by proxy.

"O-okay. But you know, if you ever want to understand, I'm here," Evan replied.

"I know... dork. Thank you," Connor responded, his thumb rubbing over Evan's hand, sending shivers up his spine. It'd been so long without contact and the fact that they were  _holding hands_ in the back of the library was almost scandalous.  Connor almost sensed this and smirked. "Everything okay... babe?"

Evan laughed nervously. "Y-yeah. I-it's just that I haven't, like, touched you in so, so long i-it's like... it's crazy," he stammered out. Connor did a quick glance around the library and shifted to move closer to Evan. "Connor, are you sure we should push it this much? What if someone sees?"

Connor rolled his eyes and let go of Evan's hand, placing his hand on Evan's knee instead. "Nobody's even looking. And we're kind of hidden by that half wall anyway," Connor pointed out. "And if you think that is pushing it, I hope you can't read my mind right now."

Evan flushed a deep, dark red.

\--------

Okay, yes, Connor was starting to get horny. It was kind of hard not to with Evan borderline squirming beside him, face all flushed, smelling like some weird pine musk that was oddly attractive. And don't even get him started on what it does to him to see Evan nervously bite his lip like that, fuck.

It was also kind of fun to sit beside Evan, hand lightly brushing over his knee with a poker face while Evan was biting his lip and getting red with those big, blue eyes looking up at him. And he really wanted to kiss him. Like, a lot. It had been way too long since that had happened.

Which is why, in addition to having fun teasing Evan, Connor began to slowly slide his hand up Evan's thigh, relishing in the way Evan's breath caught the higher up he got until he stopped halfway up.

"C-Connor, I-I'm r-really not sure this i-is the best idea," Evan practically whispered. Connor shrugged and squeezed Evan's thigh, feeling a little dip low in his gut at how hard Evan bit his lip when he did that.

"Why not? I'm having fun."

"I-I don't want to get caught," Evan replied.

"Caught doing what? We're just two very close friends in the back of the library and one of us is just so happening to be popping a boner for the other one," Connor replied, absolutely deadpan. Evan swallowed hard and shook his head.

"I-I don't have a.... a b-boner," Evan whispered. Connor snorted.

"Oh yeah? Then I'm guessing the half-chub I'm seeing you getting is really just a nerd calculator you keep stored in your pocket."

Evan let out a shaky breath that made Connor break concentration momentarily. He was starting to lose his resolve to keep the teasing going because he really just wanted to drag Evan into a dark corner and do some dirty things. There were multiple problems with that though. One of which being that the farthest they'd ever gone was making out. 

There was quiet for a bit after that with Connor just rubbing Evan's thigh and very, very slowly moving his hand up closer. At this point, about half the period of study hall was gone now and Connor was starting to have a problem of his own. And he knew Evan would freak out if he had to go to class with a hard on.

He leaned over and whispered in Evan's ear, "Do you want to go somewhere more private to deal with this?"

Evan swallowed hard and didn't reply, just leapt up and grabbed his stuff. Connor followed as the two speed walked into a nearby bathroom. It was one of the ones nobody ever liked to use because the sinks were often broken. Lucky them.

Something Connor did not expect was Evan grabbing him by the front of his hoodie and shoving him against the wall behind the stalls and then roughly pulling him down to kiss him hard. Connor kind of felt a little bit of heaven in that moment. 

The kiss was heated almost instantly, hands grabbing anything they could, heavenly sounds being exchanged between the two rapidly. Connor was absolutely loving every second of this and judging from the passion in Evan's motions, he assumed Evan was enjoying it quite a lot as well. And Connor physically felt his eyes roll back into his head when Evan reached and grabbed between his legs. He couldn't help but pull his head back with it. Evan wasted no time in kissing and sucking on Connor's neck as he palmed him.

"J-Jesus Christ, Evan," Connor moaned. Obviously, things like that only encouraged Evan more which made this better for Connor, which, in turn, encouraged Evan even more and the cycle continued.

Connor was even right at the edge when the bell rang for the next class. Evan pulled back, panting. Even though his eyes were dark with desire and he wanted to stay, he was clearly conflicted with what to do here. So, Connor thought he'd help him make a decision. He grabbed Evan and hoisted him up, pressing the smaller boy against the wall. He pressed a few well placed kisses against Evan's neck and ground his hips a bit against Evan's.

"Your choice," Connor said, breathless.

"You," Evan replied with little to no hesitation, reattaching their lips and pulling Connor closer.

So much for being a good student for the week.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the absence. i graduated thursday and ive been busy since then with work and meetings to get a presentation ready so we can present this idea to our school administration (and bc im the leaving student, im gonna be the one to tell them that they suck at the whole zero tolerance policy thing bc they knew this kid was being ostracized and bullied and did nothing to stop it and now hes dead so theyre definitely liable but whatever RIP Simon ilu man im trying). on that note, im so happy that you all are so understanding and supportive of me and this situation. thank you, so much, beyond words <3
> 
> anyway, i hope the nsfw i introduced is okay. i have a feeling that connor would be the type of person to tease and it works well bc evan would be the type of person to hold off as long as he could on acting on his impulses and then it all gets pent up and yeah  
> told ya i have a hard time writing things that aren't pure angst or smut so this came p easy to me


	14. they're just party tattoos.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> warning: more detailed smut than last chapter but i wouldnt call this full blown... yet ;)

Evan had practically been floating on cloud nine since the events of the day prior. Nothing in the bathroom went beyond the two just touchy-feeling over top of clothes, but both boys received... pleasure by the end. And afterward, they both went back to Connor's house to clean up and cuddle for the rest of the day.

It was kind of perfect. It felt safe, and that's what Evan needed most of all. Connor made him feel safe.

Evan didn't see Connor in school the next day, but he got a text that morning from Connor informing him that he had a therapy appointment and wouldn't be going to school.

**Connor: but if you want, you can come over after so we can debrief ;)**

**Yeah! I'd love to hear about how your appointment went!**

**Connor: that's cute, but the debrief had more innuendo behind it.**

**I don't get it?**

**Connor: just come over after school and i'll show you**

Evan showed the texts to Jared, wondering what they meant. Once Jared read through, he spit his strawberry milk straight out and started cracking up.

"Wh-what? What is it?!" Evan demanded, pulling his phone back to his chest defensively.

"He wants to fuck, Hansen," Jared replied, still laughing. Evan flushed bright red immediately.

"Wait! H-How can you tell?" Evan asked. Jared shook his head.

"A master comedian doesn't explain the jokes, dude," Jared teased, turning back to his lunch.

Evan texted back an affirmative reply to Connor's proposition and spent the rest of the day flushed bright red and lowkey sweaty, nervous about what may or may not happen at Connor's.

\--------

Connor actually spent the day cleaning his room. After Evan had given him confirmation that he was coming over, Connor started getting a little bit nervous, and he didn't know why the fuck he was nervous, but it was overwhelming. It wasn't like Evan hadn't seen his junk and clutter-filled room he'd been too lazy and unmotivated to clean. Maybe it was because he had gone to therapy that morning and had been steadily taking meds for a decent amount of time. He didn't know. What was clear was his room once he was done. He sighed and put his hands on his hips, admiring how he could actually see the color of his carpet and there weren't papers everywhere. Of course, it would all go away in a few days, but he could enjoy the cleanliness for now.

It was hard caring enough to clean his room when he spent every single day exhausted from battling himself. He'd look around the room and criticize himself for letting it get so dirty, but he never actually did anything about it. Until today, and that kind of felt good, like an accomplishment. 

His phone buzzed in his pocket. It was Evan, and he was on his way, would be there in about fifteen minutes.

Connor couldn't help the smile spread across his face as he was hit with immense excitement and happiness. He went to change out of his dusty clothes and decided, last minute, that he wanted to see how Evan would react if he answered the door in just sweatpants, so that's what he did.

\--------

Evan was still nervous, but that nervousness was replaced with excitement as he saw the Murphy house approaching in the distance. He kind of forgot about the whole "fucking" thing as he walked up the walkway. That was replaced with a desire to see Connor and hold him and talk to him and just have a fantastic time.

So, Evan rang the doorbell with confidence. He knew Connor was the only one home, so there was no need to worry about explaining himself to anyone else. He still hadn't met Connor's parents, and he didn't think Zoe actually knew they were a couple or even friends, really.

Connor opened the door wide and smiled. "Hey, babe."

Evan felt himself clamming up because wow Connor really looked nice without a shirt on. It was something Evan didn't think he'd seen before, but he was liking it.

Connor laughed and stepped aside. "You can stare at me from inside the house, dork," he said. Evan snapped out of it and walked in the Murphy home. Connor shut and locked the front door behind him and then turned to face Evan. He opened his arms wide and raised an eyebrow. Evan's eyes were just kind of glued to how surprisingly tone Connor was and the way he had those defined biceps and just wow Connor was healthy. Evan had always assumed he was just really thin and lanky but this was a welcome surprise, and- "Don't I get any sugar?"

Evan laughed a little bit, almost nervously, and moved forward to hug Connor. Connor sighed happily and held Evan close. And Connor smelled good. Evan kind of wanted to stay here forever. Connor pulled back from the hug a bit and smiled softly at Evan, leaning down to kiss him. Scratch that, Evan wanted to stay  _here_ forever.

Connor pulled back first again and stepped away. "So, what do you wanna do?" he asked. Evan laughed a little bit and fiddled with the hem of his shirt.

"I- I, um, thought you said we were gonna... debrief?" Evan replied. Connor just kind of stood and stared for a second and then laughed.

"Well, you know what you want, don't you," Connor said, stepping back close to Evan.

"U-um, not... not really? Entirely? Um, no."

Connor rolled his eyes.

"Why don't we get to that in a bit? I wanna talk to you," the taller boy said, crossing his arms and smirking down at Evan. Evan smiled and shrugged affirmatively.

The two moved up to Connor's room. Evan paused in the doorway, surprised at how clean everything was. Last time he'd been here, the room had been a mess, papers and clothes and trash everywhere. It looked like it was straight out of a magazine. An edgy magazine, but a magazine nonetheless. Connor shut the door beside Evan and moved to sit on the bed. He looked up at Evan and patted the spot beside him. Evan made his way over and sat beside him. He'd even washed his sheets and comforter, my God, who was this Connor?

"You surprised it's clean?" Connor asked, suddenly sounding small and shy. He was twirling a strand of hair around his finger and just kind of staring at the ground.

"A-A little bit, yeah. But I'm more proud that you cleaned it," Evan replied. He saw Connor smile a little bit at that, and that made Evan feel a little pang in his heart.

\--------

Evan insisted on hearing about therapy, so Connor told him.

His therapist was a very nice woman, middle aged. She was straight with him when he was wrong, but she also validated a lot of his feelings and helped him to realize that he was sick and the sickness wasn't him. Sure, he'd had anger issues all his life, and a lot of bad things he did were kind of ingrained in him at this point, but she was really, like, supernaturally good at picking them out and explaining it to him, and because he wanted the help, he listened and asked questions. Evan just kind of looked at Connor the whole conversation with this adorable sparkling light in his eyes and this cute little smile, and he listened so attentively, it was like he was a fucking kindergartner learning the alphabet for the first time.

"So... that's what happened today," Connor concluded, slinging his arm around Evan. Evan smiled wide.

"That's fantastic, Connor. I don't want you to take this the wrong way or anything, but... you just being in therapy and getting help has made such a difference in you, and it's a good one. N-not that you weren't great before, but I feel like you'd feel better now that your mood is getting stabilized, right?" Evan said. Connor paused in thought before nodding.

"Yeah... I... I guess so. I haven't really been thinking about it a whole lot, but I've been getting set off by little things less and less, which is nice to not have to stress about," Connor admitted. Evan smiled. Connor smiled back and then smirked. "Now... we talked. Like I wanted. Let's get to debriefing?"

Evan suddenly went stiff and laughed nervously. "I thought that was the debriefing," he said. Connor laughed.

"No, dummy. De-briefing," Connor replied, pulling on his boxers to emphasize the meaning of debriefing. Evan flushed when he realized and started laughing.

"O-oh! Oh! I get it now. Haha, that's really funny," Evan replied. Connor rolled his eyes.

"You're such a dork," he said in response, leaning over to kiss Evan.

\--------

Evan kissed back immediately, feeling light from the laughter and kind of dizzy from the way Connor was kissing him slowly and deliberately. It was like every kiss was full of its own energy and passion, and it was giving Evan butterflies. Connor shifted and moved his hand to the base of Evan's neck. Evan slid his hand up Connor's back (he noticed Connor shivered. Probably cold hands) and into Connor's hair and tugged a bit. There was almost instantly an enthusiastic response from Connor who deepened the kiss and moved Evan backwards, pinning him to the bed.

Evan moved into Connor's touch but this was cut short as Connor moved to pin Evan's hands above his head, being careful with his healing arm. Evan was surprised at the urgency, but that kind of faded as Connor started kissing and sucking on Evan's neck. Evan let out a contented sigh and bit his lip. Connor pulled back and let Evan's arms go.

"Take off your shirt," he said quietly but forcefully. It made Evan's heart leap into his throat. In a really, really, good way.

Evan sat himself up, still underneath Connor (who was looking at him with dark, focused eyes and it made him nervous), and slowly struggled out of his shirt. Connor didn't help, he just kind of watched, and Evan was fine with that. As soon as the shirt was off, Connor reattached his mouth to Evan's skin, trailing kisses and gentle bites across Evan's neck and then down his chest until he got to the waistline of his khakis. Evan was watching, transfixed and insanely turned on, as Connor, with his dark, wild hair falling over his eye looked up at him. Still watching, Connor undid the button of Evan's khakis and slowly, so painfully slowly, unzipping them.

"C-Connor," Evan stammered. Connor furrowed his eyebrows, losing the intense focus he held before.

"What? What's wrong?" Connor asked. Evan let out a nervous little laugh.

"It's... It's nothing, just... wow this is nice," Evan replied. 

"Okay... just... I'm worried about you. Let me know if I, like, go too far or whatever," Connor muttered. Evan opened his mouth to reply with words, but instead let out this little pleased seething noise as Connor started sliding Evan's khakis down his legs. Connor glanced up but continued when he realized Evan was content.

Evan didn't last long. He knew he wouldn't. He didn't really get himself off much, so there wasn't a whole lot of endurance built up, and as soon as he felt Connor's mouth, he knew for sure that he wouldn't get to enjoy it for more than maybe 5 minutes. Connor didn't seem to mind, but even though Evan would've been perfectly content flopping down and chilling, he knew Connor needed something too.

Connor was talking to him, he realized.

"-and you don't have to do anything to me if you don't want. I can go take care of it myself, if you're more comfortable with that," he said, kind of semi-covering his crotch with one of his hands.

Evan caught him off guard and flipped him over to be underneath. Connor's eyes were wide, but he didn't seem to mind too much. He definitely didn't seem to mind either when Evan started palming at him and moved to kiss his neck.

It didn't take long for Connor to be done either, and Evan assumed he'd mimicked Connor decently based on the sounds Connor had been making.

"Don't touch me. It's too hot," Connor said, adding a little laugh in. Evan settled on just lacing their fingers together instead, beaming.

He could get used to this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again THANK ALL OF YOU FOR ALL THE AMAZING COMMENTS ON THIS STORY <3  
> And also i wanna thank everyone supporting me with what im doing for the school. even if i wont be there next year, its something that needs to change everywhere and its something im passionate about.   
> also i heard your pleas... this chapter gets a little more smutty ;) but after this im gonna have it mellow for at least a chapter or two bc theres some more character development that needs to happen. and i ran out of ideas on how to make it smutty, but vaguely smutty, so the ending sucks


	15. you know that i can't do this on my own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: homophobia, emotional abuse, distressed connor

Connor, with meds and therapy under his belt, had been doing extremely well in being able to calm his emotional outbursts or prevent them from happening. He was working great on coping skills, and being out of the house and with Evan helped immensely in keeping little bombs from going off. Evan always found a way to make sure Connor knew he was wanted and loved and Evan really did want to be with him. It was helping to boost his confidence, too, to be able to trust at least two people enough to be open and even better, to have them believe him. Knowing that the things he felt were valid and okay and he wasn't  _batshit insane_ was the nicest feeling he'd had in a while. Weird what a little bit of not hearing "stop making this up" can do for a guy.

Things were going good, at least for a week, and then, like things do, they went wrong.

Connor was actually sitting at the table for dinner with his family and was attempting to socialize. Sentences were short and he didn't speak up much, but the light in his mother's eyes made him feel kind of happy. She looked almost proud, and that felt nice. There was a gap of silence and then Zoe set her fork down forcefully. Connor flinched a bit and looked up.

"So, Connor. Where have you been lately?" Zoe asked.

"Uh, therapy? Out with friends?" Connor replied, setting his fork down as well. He wasn't sure where Zoe was going with this, but he was trying hard to not flip out yet. Maybe it was genuine worry?

Zoe snorted, "Friends?"

Connor narrowed his eyes and his tunnel vision focused in on her rolled eyes and smug smirk. "Yes. I have them." Okay, not genuine worry. Another fight.

"Your only 'friends' are the ones who deal you drugs, and they only like you because you give them money," Zoe replied. Connor felt his fists ball up on impulse.

"Zoe, please-" their mother began, sensing conflict.

"Me? I'm not the one scampering off to be with drug dealers under the guise of 'friendship' to make you and dad feel better," Zoe spat back, putting air quotations around friendship. Evan's face flashed through Connor's mind and his brain was conflicted between taking that as a sign to chill or take Zoe's comments as a personal attack against Evan.

"Larry-"

"Connor, where have you really been?" his dad asked. Connor glared at him.

"Therapy. And friends," he replied through gritted teeth. Larry furrowed his eyebrows.

"Don't take that tone with me," he shot back at Connor. Connor saw red creeping into the corners of his vision and tried to focus on controlling his breathing.

"Like I said, the only friends you'd have you have to pay for," Zoe piped up.

"I don't pay Evan," Connor seethed. He hadn't even realized what he said until he saw Larry kind of relax and Zoe turn her wide eyed gaze to him.

"Evan? Evan  _Hansen_ _?_ " Zoe asked, her voice small. Connor hesitated and then leaned back in his chair.

"Yes. Evan Hansen. Evan and I are... friends," Connor replied.

"Oh, Connor that's-"

"You sounded a little hesitant saying friends there, Connor," Larry boomed, cutting Cynthia off.

Connor just kind of turned his gaze to him. He knew where this conversation was going, and it was going South fast. There was silence, everyone knowing what was being implied.

Larry scoffed, sounding disgusting and leaned back in his chair, facepalming. "I knew it. The hair, the nail polish..."

"What are you trying to say,  _dad_?" Connor spat. He had lost his filter. This was it. 

"My son is  _not_ a fag," Larry replied. Cynthia gasped loudly.

"Oh my God, Connor is  _gay_ ," Zoe drawled, looking on in awe. Connor stood up quickly and slammed his palm on the table.

"Yes, your son  _is_ a fag, actually. I like boys. Not girls. Say whatever the fuck you want to say about it, but I'm fucking gay, dad, and you can't fucking change that. You can make me double up on Little League instead of take tap and you can hide my nail polish and you can sign me up for some fucking kum-ba-yah conversion torture camp, but I'm still gonna like boys when I'm done!" Connor shouted.

Larry stood up. "Get the fuck out of my house; you're a disgrace!" he shouted. Cynthia stood up, wide eyed and crying, grabbing Larry's arm.

"Larry, stop!"

"Shut the fuck up, Cynthia! I did not raise a fag. If he wants to be a pansy, he can do so in someone else's house."

"I'd rather be a pansy in someone else's house than live under Larry-Zoe fascism in this house!" Connor shouted, tearing up the stairs.

He slammed his bedroom door shut and started searching frantically for a bag to put some stuff in. He saw red and he was shaking. His mouth and throat were dry and all he wanted to do was claw his throat out of his skin to stop the discomfort. He was having a hard time breathing and the red was faded into static in the edges of his vision, like he was suffocating.

There was a knock on his door halfway through his packing. He ignored it. The door swung open.

"Don't ignore me, asshole!" Zoe exclaimed, hands on her hips.

"Get away from me," Connor growled, continuing to pack. Instead, Zoe stepped forward and reached to grab his arm. He spun himself out of her grip and tried to keep packing.

"Did you just try to hit me?" Zoe asked.

"What the fuck? No. Zoe, get the fuck away from me," Connor replied. Almost done. So close. Then he could go and take care of the stimulation and chill out. He was exerting every possible muscle to not shove Zoe out of his room and scream at the top of his lungs, going on a rampage.

Zoe was speaking, but he couldn't hear her. Judging by her tone, he didn't want to hear it anyway.

And then he was done and in his car and just driving. He didn't know where yet.

\--------

It was almost like it was back to square one. Evan stood at the edge of the parking lot and there sat Connor Murphy on a curb, slurping a slushee under flickering lights that read "7-11". He felt a lot of things. He was confused as to what Connor was doing here, looking defeated. He was happy to see Connor. He was surprised to see Connor. He was overwhelmingly concerned about Connor.

There was no hesitation as he stepped forward and sat beside Connor.

"What's going on?" Evan asked. His voice was quiet and gentle. Connor just looked over at him, eyes red and puffy from obviously crying.

"Kicked out," Connor muttered. Evan pulled him into a hug and let the boy cry into his shoulder.

Evan didn't even hesitate to take the wheel of Connor's car once Connor had agreed to go back to Evan's, letting Connor rest his head against the passenger side window. Evan hated driving because there was always so much going on on the roads and he was always afraid he would get in an accident paying attention to one thing but not the other.

He had no problems now, even driving a car that wasn't his. His heart broke with the way Connor was holding himself, silent aside from sniffles.

It didn't take long to drive to the Hansen house and Evan was not pleased to see Heidi was home, but Connor getting kicked out was more important than Heidi's approval.

"Come on, Connor," Evan said quietly after he opened up the passenger side door. He had Connor's backpack slung over his shoulder and his arms extended for Connor to lean into. It took a bit, but Connor gave in and moved into Evan's arms. Evan made triple sure the doors of the car were locked, and then the two headed into the house.

"Oh, hi honey, I didn-"

Heidi stopped short at the sight of Connor supporting himself on Evan.

"H-hi, mom. This is Connor. Can we talk?" Evan spoke quickly, nervousness starting to creep in. Heidi looked from Connor to Evan and back again and then nodded.

"Oh, um, okay. Connor, why don't you head up to Evan's room?" Heidi said, crossing her arms. Connor just kind of nodded and trudged upstairs. Once he crossed the doorway, Heidi turned to Evan. "What's going on?"

Evan sighed and clenched his fists. He needed to be brave for Connor. Needed to be honest for Connor. This wasn't about Evan, this was about Connor.

"That's my... my b-boyfriend. A-and he got kicked out, and n-now he needs a place to stay and he'sstayingherehedoesn'thaveanywhereelsetogookayso... there," Evan replied. Heidi took a second to decipher Evan's ramblings and then sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"Okay, wait. From the beginning, Ev. You have a boyfriend?" Heidi asked. Evan blushed and nodded.

"Y-yes. That's him. Connor," he replied. Heidi paused to take this in, taking in a deep breath and letting one out.

"Okay. He can stay tonight. I'll talk to him in the morning about all of this. And I'll talk to you about this in the morning too. I'm really tired from my shift. Be responsible, Ev," Heidi replied.

Okay, so, not the response he was hoping for with the whole big acceptance speech and absolute hands down desire to help Connor, but he'd take this for now.

"Thanks, mom. I'm sorry," Evan said quickly, going up the stairs to help Connor.

\--------

Once Connor felt good enough to talk, he told Evan everything. Evan just sat and listened and got him water and a cheese stick and apple, demanding that he eat something and stay hydrated and healthy. Evan was such an amazing guy, and Connor felt like shit because he was back to square one with progress.

\--------

Even though Evan was exhausted by the time Connor fell asleep, he still listened and took care of him wholeheartedly. He'd even taken off Connor's hoodie and socks and tucked him into his bed. He'd sleep on the floor; that was completely fine. Evan was more worried about Connor's safety and Heidi's talk with them both later to be concerned about where he slept.  
 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im sorry ive been absent. theres been a lot of stuff going on in my life and its interrupted me writing this fic. theres angst here bc today was EXTREMELY angsty & also yay now the fams know connor and evan are a thing
> 
> also, sidenote, in case you can't tell, i don't like zoe. lots of people brush over the fact she was just as shitty to connor as larry was  
> sidenote of that sidenote, listen to "a little bit of light" its a cut song from DEH that cynthia sings about what connor was like and it makes me sob


	16. then he looked right through me.

Connor woke up hazy. His mouth and throat were still dry and his eyes hurt. His joints hurt. His muscles hurt. He just hurt. And he knew he wasn't in his bed or his room, and that was the least confusing thing happening. 

There was a little human sound from the floor. Connor rolled onto his side to look and found Evan curled up in a ball on the floor.

"Idiot," Connor muttered, getting out of Evan's bed to pick Evan up off the floor and lay him in his own bed. He brushed some stray hairs off of Evan's forehead and just kind of stopped to look at him. Connor was the luckiest guy. He had Evan Hansen who cared about him and loved him and was willing to sacrifice for his selfish ass. Nobody else seemed to care enough to listen much less stay through it all. And Evan, of course, wasn't without problems as well. Connor felt selfish that he didn't really ever ask Evan how he was doing with his therapy or his medication or his anxiety and he felt like a dick since Evan always checked up on how Connor's stuff was going.

"Connor, right?" a voice came from the doorway. Connor turned quickly to find Evan's mom in the doorway, dressed in sweats, arms crossed.

"Uh, yeah. You're Evan's mom?" Connor asked.

"Yes, I am. Come with me; let's chat," Evan's mom said, waving Connor forward. 

Connor followed Evan's mom down the stairs and onto the couch. There was a moment of silence, Connor uncertain of how this was going to go, and Evan's mom probably thinking of how she wanted to gently word the phrase "Get out of my home and don't come back".

"So, Connor... you're dating Evan?"

Okay, not quite.

"Uhhhh, yeah?"

"How long?"

"Not very long. Maybe... two months?" Connor wasn't sure if they had an official "start date" or not, but approximation was his only friend here, so he'd take it.

She was quiet for a while. Connor felt uncomfortable, but he didn't say anything. He didn't even know what he would say if he did.

"Mom?" Evan's sleepy voice came from the top of the stairs. Connor felt relief fill his lungs as he was able to breathe again.

"Morning, Ev. C'mere, I wanna talk to you too," Evan's mom said. Evan kind of shuffled and sat beside Connor on the couch, between Connor and his mom. 

"What's going on, mom?" Evan asked. He was so sleepy, and it was so adorable.

"I just want to know why I've never even heard of Connor before last night when suddenly he was sleeping in my house," Evan's mom replied. She didn't sound amused. It kind of ticked Connor off that she was taking that tone with Evan, but he had to remind himself that this was Evan's mother and he couldn't go off on her.

"O-oh," Evan replied at first, eyes cast downwards. He hesitated for a bit, but then finally said, "You've been picking up more shifts lately. A-and I've been hanging out with Connor a lot, so..."

She sighed, clearly not wanting to fight with Evan about it, but also not very happy. Connor felt awkward.

"Speaking of picking up shifts, I have to head out. I'll call you on break, Evan, so you can explain some more things to me. I love you, kiddo," she said, standing up and leaving.

Evan sighed and held his head in his hand. Connor reluctantly put his hand on Evan's shoulder.

"Ev, hey."

"It's just... it's not fair that she acts like she deserves to know everything when half of the time she's not even around to see me, so why would I tell her?" Evan spoke quietly and quickly, but Connor had no problem understanding that Evan meant he was lonely. And also alone. And being alone and lonely even in a small house like this could be suffocating.

"I'm sorry. C'mere, dork," Connor spoke softly, pulling Evan into a hug. They could focus on Connor's situation later.

\--------

They discussed what all had happened and what the plan was over pancakes. Basically, Evan suggested he could get his mom to let Connor stay until they could figure out something better. Connor insisted that Evan sleep in his own bed, so Evan decided he and Connor would have to share, and that was going to be an issue considering he had a twin size bed and Connor was like 6 foot infinity and Evan was barely 5'10". But, they'd figure it out. They always did.

Evan convinced Connor to call his mom and have her drop some stuff off or have him go over and get stuff, but Cynthia just kind of drove herself there with a bag full of Connor's stuff. She stood in the doorway and talked to Connor a little bit. Evan couldn't hear from the couch and even though he pretended he couldn't hear the conversation, he was totally eavesdropping.

"I'm trying to talk to your father. I want you home, Connor," she said, raising her hand like she wanted to touch him, but she just kind of left it hanging in the air like that.

"Well, he doesn't. I'm not going back if it's going to stay like that," Connor muttered. Cynthia smiled a little.

"I love you, Connor. I know things are hard right now, but no matter what, I am your mother and I love you," she said, finally reaching up to cup her son's face.

"Then do something about dad, if you care so much," Connor grumbled. Cynthia withdrew her hand and her smile faltered.

"Okay, Connor. I know you're not happy. Um... here's your stuff. Call me, please. Or send a text. Just once a day so I know you're okay with... Evan," she said. She hesitated to say Evan's name, but it didn't sound like she said it in a mean way. It did make Evan's heart start racing that he was part of the conversation (even though obviously he would be considering he was Connor's boyfriend and Connor was staying at his house). "And... I'll see you at therapy tomorrow, right? You said they wanted me there for this appointment, right? Then I'll be there."

A quiet goodbye happened with a little hug, and the front door was shut and Connor was heading up the stairs to put his stuff down. Evan flipped the channel to the science channel and turned the volume down as Connor joined him on the couch.

"I don't want to talk about it right now, Evan, please," Connor muttered. He looked tired.

"O-okay. We don't have to."

He did, however, hold his arms open and Connor willingly fell into them. Neither boy said anything. Neither of them really had the energy to, and besides, they both were thinking the same thing: parents suck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> v short but im v busy and just wanted to give y'all a little transition  
> also new cut song popped up: "bedroom down the hall" and i SOBBED LISTEN TO IT  
> once again i read every comment but don't always have time/energy to reply but i LOVE YOU ALL THANK U FOR READING AND SAYING NICE THINGS THANK YOU <3  
> also some people have asked for my social media? so my tumblr is: http://officiallysoulless.tumblr.com/   
> BRAND NEW DEH tumblr: http://c-c-c-connormurphy.tumblr.com (probs gonna write like x reader stuff over there and HCs so go request stuff. maybe ill get inspired??)  
> insta is: @amethystaxas (i don't post my fandom things on there. mostly just life events and some older art)   
> youtube: amethystaxas (random videos. nothing DEH yet. currently uploading a cover of requiem :) )


	17. that boy went stone cold crazy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: suicidal stuff in this chapter but no death i promise. just really angsty and tense & panic attacks

"Dear Evan Hansen, today has been an absolutely horrible day. But, if I have to find something good to talk about, I guess things might start to look up soon..."

Connor had only been under the Hansen roof for two days before Evan woke up one morning and he was gone. His stuff was still there, but he was gone. Evan didn't think too much of it until he realized Connor wasn't in the house or outside and his truck was gone, too.

Heidi came home a few hours later from her overnight shift to pick up Evan for an appointment only to find him curled up on the kitchen floor, awake but unresponsive. It took ten minutes of pure motherly panic until Evan was able to speak: "C-Connor is gone..."

"Sweetie, what do you mean he's gone?" Heidi asked.

"He left. He isn't here," Evan replied. Heidi cursed and pulled back a bit.

"Okay. I'm going to call some people. We'll find him, Evan. It's going to be okay, okay? So... just... stay there and... breathe," she replied, pulling away and going into the other room to make some phone calls. 

It wasn't like Evan even had a choice in the matter. He couldn't physically move. He just sat on the floor, staring blankly at the tiles, his mind alternating between empty to racing with only the worst thoughts he could manage. All he could think about was Connor dead somewhere or leaving or doing something dangerous and it absolutely terrified him. He didn't want to lose Connor. He couldn't lose Connor. And he wanted Connor to be alive and happy and getting help and not fucking  _missing_. 

He could hear his mom talking on the phone with someone. It was probably her third or fourth call, and she was walking all around the house, looking for any hints, any clues. Evan was so pathetic, he couldn't even manage to do that. With the world's heaviest hand, Evan typed out a message of many to Connor:

**Please be okay.**

"Oh, shit. Ohhhh fuck, fuck,  _shit!_ " Heidi shouted from the other room. It startled Evan. He hadn't heard his mother that loud in a while. "I'm- he took a bottle of pills with him. Yes, I'm sure..."

Heidi's voice faded to nothing as Evan processed what he had just heard. Connor was missing. Connor left all his belongings here besides the clothes on his back and his phone. And on his way out to God knows where, he'd taken a bottle of pills with him. And suddenly, Evan was suffocating, hyperventilating, drowning in the middle of his kitchen.

"Oh, Jesus, hold on, I'm sorry, my son is having a panic attack," Heidi said quickly, setting the phone down as she knelt in front of Evan. He tuned her out. He didn't want to be okay. How could he be okay when Connor was probably dead?

He was clutching the collar of his polo, his entire body trembling as he pushed his breaths rapidly in and out. He was becoming lightheaded, sweating, trapped within himself as he fell apart. His temples tingled as his thoughts threatened to spill right out of his head. He felt his fingers and toes go numb and his head swim. He hadn't had a panic attack this bad in forever.

"Find... him!" he managed to yell through the tears and the lack of adequate oxygen. He was the only thing he could hear among the blood pumping ferociously in his eardrums. 

And Heidi stood up and left the room, returning with a bottle of pills. She tried to give them to Evan, but he knocked her hand away.

"Find him! Find him before he fucking dies!" Evan screamed. Heidi looked taken aback and kind of winced. She got on her feet and picked the phone back up and Evan just focused on sobbing as his breathing slowed slightly. 

A few hours had passed and a search party was formed. On top of the police, the entire community had banded together to look for Connor. Evan was surprised to find Connor's dad (Larry) in charge of the civilian team, spouting off random knowledge about Connor to try to help people to find him. Evan knew most of it was wrong or at least outdated. Connor's mom (Cynthia) and Zoe were focused more on talking to police, but Evan realized, bitterly, that they didn't know all that much about Connor either. No, Connor would not be at the baseball field because Connor vowed to never set foot in one again. No, Connor would not be at the library. He liked to read where it was noisy because the distractions helped him really focus on the content.

A few hours turned into more than a few, and sooner than Evan hoped, the sun began to set and they were pushing the limits of town. Evan realized, guiltily, that if anywhere, he would be here, and he was unable to say anything to help just because every time he tried to open his mouth, a knot formed in the back of his throat and he just couldn't. 

Evan felt his heart drop as they passed by the 7-11. No tall, lanky boy sitting on the curb sipping a slurpee with all the fruity flavors mixed with tired eyes and a halo of fluorescent light around him. He wasn't inside.

"This is the last local stop," someone said. Evan realized it was a police officer who had been tasked with this group of people: Evan (Heidi was forced to go into work, but she texted Evan frequently to keep up), Zoe, Larry, Cynthia, Alana Beck, and a few other concerned neighbors.

"What do you mean 'last local stop'?" Cynthia asked, nervously wringing her hands.

"Well, if we don't find him here, Mrs. Murphy, he's likely skipped town and we have to contact further jurisdictions," the man replied.

"Connor, you better fucking be here... you dick," Zoe muttered to Evan's right.

Evan felt anger rise to his throat, but he choked it back. Zoe probably didn't mean it the way she said it, but maybe that was part of the problem.

The abandoned orchard. Evan didn't really have a clue why Connor would be here, but it was their last option until things got worse, and Evan hoped that he would be here, alive, sitting in a tree branch, smoking a joint... or something. God, anything better than finding him dead on the ground.

"Orchard's pretty big," one of the neighbors said.

"Should we split up?" Cynthia asked.

"Cover more ground faster," the officer cut in.

"Then we'll split," Larry affirmed.

Everyone went in separate directions and Evan was left alone, standing under the last lamplight before the darkness of the vast and unknown orchard. Evan grabbed his phone from his pocket and turned the flashlight on, heading straight onto the path whereas everyone else had strayed.

"Connor. Connor Murphy. I better find you alive. I better find you alive and pissed off at worst. A-and you're pissing me off because this is reckless and it's dangerous and I've been so worried all day that you're dead and I never got to tell you so many things about myself or even the things I like about you. I don't know much about you, but I want to know e-everything. A-and how will I learn anything i-if you're d-d-dead? That's s-so stupid. S-so please. Please even if you d-don't want to b-be alive. Let me be selfish. Let me s-see you alive. Y-you can hate me, b-but goddammit Connor Murphy I c-can't lose you yet."

And Evan was sobbing. Every step was like he was being pulled back, but he pushed forward and forward and forward, all the way up to the tallest tree Evan had ever seen save for the Redwoods he'd seen on a family trip to California. It was at that tree that he stopped to catch his breath. He looked out and saw the most beautiful field filled with yellow flowers lit only by the moonlight, swaying with a gentle breeze. It was stunning. Evan could only imagine how tranquil in the daylight.

But, he had to keep going. Had to find Connor.

It didn't take long.

He'd made it through the field and back toward the path when he noticed a pair of boots sticking out of the grass. Fear seized Evan entirely but curiosity and horror moved his body forward until he saw the wild, curly dark hair and a pale fist loosely holding a now empty bottle of pills.

Evan screamed, and he didn't stop screaming until he was wrapped up in Cynthia's arms.

\--------

Evan was told, a few hours later in the ER waiting room, that Connor was nearing the point of no return when Evan had found him. They'd radioed it in and gotten an ambulance out and back to the hospital and were able to pump his stomach clean. Evan cried when they were told Connor was going to live with minor damage, most likely.

And despite all the bad things Evan had witnessed from the Murphy family, they all seemed to care. Larry kept getting up to "use the bathroom" or "use the vending machine", but every time he returned, he sniffled more than usual. Zoe openly wept. And Cynthia was sat beside Evan a few seats away from her husband and daughter, talking to him and learning about him and his friendship/relationship with Connor.

"You know. Um. I know we don't always do the right things for... Connor. Nobody ever does the right thing all of the time, but, um... I'm really glad he at least has you, Evan. Someone he trusts and can confide in," Cynthia said, smiling softly and sadly at Evan. Evan nodded in response and paused before he spoke.

"I... I don't think the damage can ever be... un-undone, y'know? But, uh... th-things can always, maybe, I dunno, change? Maybe a little? I don't know wh-what I'm saying, I'm sorry," he replied.

"Oh, no! It's fine, Evan. I think I understand what you're saying," Cynthia replied, sighing. "We can't undo the things we've already done. We can't take back the fighting or the name calling or the... any of the wrong steps we took. But we can encourage the right steps to at least make sure Connor can live happily."

Evan nodded and smiled a little bit. All of them stopped talking when Connor's doctor came in.

"You can go in the room now. He isn't awake yet, but we've done all we can for now. He should wake up normally, though. He doesn't look comatose, just sleeping it off," the doctor announced. Cynthia turned to Evan and smiled and the two led Zoe and Larry to Connor's room.

Evan's heart broke seeing Connor hooked up to all sorts of machines. He was breathing just fine, and the steady beep of the heart monitor put Evan at rest, but it was the saddest thing he'd ever seen. He waned to cry all over again, knowing Connor was in pain. The Murphys each took their turn by Connor, whispering to him and holding his hand, showing him (even though he was unaware) that they cared, at least a little bit.

And finally, Evan took a step up to Connor. He tentatively reached out to take Connor's hand with his good one.

"Hey... Connor... it's me. I, um, I know you can't hear me... but I'm glad you're alive. I'm glad I found you. I... there are so many things I want to say to you, so you need to wake up soon and keep getting help, and, just... continue to fight. Y'know, I was supposed to get my cast cut off this morning, but even though I could, I don't want to, just because it has your name on it. It's a piece of you I carry with me, and I love having you with me even when you're not there, and I guess, I just-" Evan was cut off by the heart beat picking up a bit and Connor's eyes squeezing a bit before they opened up, slowly.

Evan's eyes widened and the Murphy family speech went dead silent in the background. Connor blinked a few times, regaining his senses and his eyebrows knotted in confusion.

"Where... am I?" he asked, his voice hoarse.

"The hospital... you, um, we-"

"The hospital?!" Connor spat, ripping his hand out of Evan's. Evan felt the blood rush out of him.

"U-u-um. Yes..."

"I'm in the fucking hospital?! I fucking lived? Are you kidding me?" Connor tried to shout, the harshness of his voice not allowing his volume to get very loud, but Evan could tell he was agitated.

"You're.... alive, Connor," Zoe spoke.

"Who did it?!" Connor yelled. "Which one of you motherfuckers did it?!"

There was a pause. Connor's heart monitor was going crazy. Connor turned and narrowed his gaze on Evan.

"I bet it was  _you_ , wasn't it? You were the one who didn't let me die. I should've died! You should've let me fucking die! I hate you!" Connor was screaming now, as loud as he could, his face twisted into rage. Larry rushed over and kept him pinned to the bed, but Connor was clearly struggling against him, still screaming about how he should've died and how he'll never forgive Evan for letting him live. It was overwhelming. So Evan ran out of the room and into the hallway.

He leaned his arm against the wall and sobbed. He knew Connor was freaking out and didn't actually mean what he was saying, but that didn't make it hurt any less.

"I'm sorry about my brother," Zoe's voice came from behind Evan, and she reached out to put a hand on his shoulder. Evan pulled away quickly and spun to face her.

"Don't you dare," Evan spat, turning quickly to head down to his mother's station.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one of the things BPD does to people is make them recurrently suicidal. people with BPD attempt suicide more than people with other mental illnesses and that's something that is rarely addressed bc how can you tell someone "i've tried to kill myself 17 times this year" without sounding like a liar? if that makes sense at all  
> also yeah evan never stopped the letters. i just kind of forgot about them in trying to focus on other things in the plot. i'm trying to work character complexities and nuances in here to be as accurate as i can even though my writing isn't the best?  
> and my mental health is not looking so hot right now and i'm losing my filter and control a bit so i figured i could vent a bit of that into connor here (sorry :( )  
> but hey please don't be afraid to comment even if you think it's stupid. comments seriously encourage and motivate me to write. and i read every single one.   
> (Also only chapter title lyric i've spoken about, but the song it comes from is so poppin dang)


	18. don't ask me to lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: mention of mental hospitals? idk if that's gonna mess w anyone but just in case, there's your warning

Connor just wanted to cry. He was so tired, and he thought he would finally be done with all the emotions, all the feelings, all of the everything shitty in his life. But here he was, strapped to a hospital bed with a nurse sitting in the doorway to monitor him until a social worker could come in. He'd sent his parents out of the room after Evan and Zoe had run out. And for fucking once, someone had to listen to him. Since he was the patient, staff played by his rules, and he really liked having some control for once.

Connor regretted lashing out at Evan considering Evan was the only person he really trusted. He just felt a twinge of betrayal that Evan had saved him even though he  _knew_ that was a ludicrous thing to think. He couldn't help but think it. Reason number 5928390 why he hated being alive.

There was a shuffle at the doorway as the nurse stood up to let the social worker come in. The door was cracked behind her since she was there to watch Connor now, and he was bitter he needed supervision in the first place considering it probably wouldn't take too much effort to off yourself in a hospital.

"Connor?" the social worker asked. Connor nodded. She smiled. "I'm Heather. I'm just gonna ask you some questions. You don't have to answer them if you really don't want to, but it would be doing everyone a big favor if you did," she said, electing to stand at the foot of Connor's bed rather than taking a seat. She shifted her clipboard to ready herself to take notes.

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Connor grumbled. Heather's smile didn't falter. That was kind of unnerving. 

"So, Connor. Who lives with you at home?" Heather asked.

"Uh, my mom, dad, and younger sister," he replied. Heather wrote something down.

"How much younger is your sister?"

"Just a year."

More scribbling. 

"And how would you describe life at home? Is there a lot of fighting?" she asked.

"Yeah..."

"What do you fight about? Is it one thing or is it a lot of things?"

"Uhhh. It's... it's almost everything," Connor replied. He was cooling down being able to talk to someone who didn't seem like they were judging him and was actually taking him seriously. After years of people choosing Zoe's side over his, it felt so nice to finally be heard.

"And the fighting is usually between who in the house?" Heather pressed.

"Um, between me and my dad and me and my sister," Connor replied. For some reason he was feeling... sad? Heather just wrote some more things down, creating an awkward thirty second pause.

"You said the fighting is over everything. Can you maybe give me an example of a scenario?" she asked, finally looking up at Connor. This clearly wasn't something she was going to write down word for word, just using to gauge the severity.

"Well, uh, sometimes it's, like, stupid stuff. Like my sister accusing me of finishing the milk or my dad being passive aggressive," Connor replied, running a hand through his hair. He took a second to swallow hard before continuing. "S-sometimes, it's, uh... sometimes it's more than that. Like, my dad kicking me out for... being... gay. Or my sister stealing my journal and locking herself in her room so she can take pictures and send them to her... um, friends." Connor didn't really like going down memory lane like this, but it felt almost relieving to talk about. 

Heather wrote some things down.

"And how about school? How are things going there?" she asked. She then offered a small smile. "Do you have a favorite subject?"

"School is... kind of a second hell," Connor responded with a small laugh. "But... my favorite subject is probably my AP English class."

"You like English?" Heather asked. Connor nodded and looked down at his fidgeting fingers.

"Y-yeah, I do. I like picking stuff apart and seeing how they work together," he replied.

"Me too," Heather said with a little smile. "But... what do you mean school is a second hell?"

Connor's small smile fell as he flashed to memories of school. "I don't... I don't have any friends. And a lot of people think I'm, like, a freak or something? So, they... just kind of egg me on and stuff."

"Do you think you're a freak, Connor?"

Connor paused and stopped his motions. "Yes."

Heather didn't say anything, and Connor wasn't looking to see what her face was doing, and he didn't think he wanted to see anyway. She clipped her pen to the board.

"Connor, can you contract for safety today?" she asked. Connor looked up at her. "By that I mean can you honestly--100%--say to me that if you go home tonight, you won't try to hurt yourself again?"

Connor paused for a bit before shaking his head. "I... I can't."

"And that's okay," Heather replied. "But that just means you have to go inpatient at a hospital."

Connor jolted up and stared at her with wide eyes. "Wait, what?"

"I know it sounds scary, but listen. You'll only have to be there a minimum of 72 hours. After that, you can sign yourself out if you want to and your doctor thinks you'll be okay for the time being," Heather replied, trying to ease Connor. He just felt panic continue to swell up.

"B-but... I... I just... I don't..." He couldn't even manage to form coherent sentences, focused on his breathing.

"Connor, it'll be okay. You'll be able to have immediate family visit only if you say it's okay for them to. You get three meals a day that you choose with snack time, you'll be around kids under 18 like yourself, and even though you'll have to attend group therapy and individual therapy, you'll always have a support system there if things start to get insane. And the choices are all up to you in there," Heather said in an attempt to calm it down. It didn't really work. "I'm sorry, Connor, you don't really have a choice here. Think of it as three days of vacation."

Her smile didn't seem so bright to Connor anymore. She smiled at him a bit and turned to leave. Connor reached for the hospital phone on his bedside.

\--------

Evan was chilling in the nurse's station a floor down. Heidi had seen him coming and scooped him up into a big hug, bought him some Oreos from the vending machine, and let him sit in the nurse's station since he didn't want to go home (and he didn't have a way home unless he wanted to wake Jared up, and a sleep deprived Jared was the meanest Jared there was). Evan hadn't even said a word to Heidi about what had happened with Connor. She didn't pry. He was thankful for that. 

Then his phone rang in his pocket. A number he didn't recognize. He hesitated to pick it up, but saw it had this area code, so he figured maybe it was Alana or someone from the search party checking in on Connor?

"Hello?" Evan practically whispered into the receiver.

"Evan, please come to my room."

It was Connor, and he sounded like he was crying.

"That depends on whether or not you're going to yell at me again," Evan said before he could stop himself.

There was silence from the other line.

"Please, Evan. Please," Connor practically begged. That's something Evan didn't think he'd ever see Connor do.

"Okay," Evan sighed. He hung up and got out of the chair.

"Are you sure you want to go, sweetie?" Heidi asked. Evan nodded.

"He sounded really upset. I need to make sure everything is okay," Evan replied.

"I'm proud of you, Ev. And I'll be here when you come back," she said with a smile. Evan tried to smile back, but he just couldn't make it happen.

The journey to Connor's room was silent and Evan felt pangs of hurt wash through him as he relived the scene with Connor from earlier. He just had to remind himself that it was just Connor lashing out and he didn't mean what he was saying and it would make everything a million times worse if he didn't stay with Connor through his mental illness the way Connor stayed with him through his. The nurse barely looked at Evan as he entered the room.

Connor was sitting up in his bed, biting his nails and staring at the monitor he was hooked up to. He hadn't even noticed Evan coming in, but Evan took a second to register what he was seeing. This was Connor at his most vulnerable. He was scared, clearly, of something, and anxiety radiated off of him in angular waves, resonating with Evan's. This was a side of Connor Evan had never seen. Even when Connor was drained of emotion, "tired of feeling", or just plain sad, he never once had looked this broken. 

"Evan..." Connor muttered. Evan almost jumped out of his skin. Connor turned to look at Evan with puffy red eyes. "Evan, I'm so sorry I snapped at you." He was fighting back tears and Evan couldn't help but go over and wrap Connor up in a hug, careful to not undo the wires attached to him.

"It's okay, Connor. I know you didn't mean it," Evan replied.

"It's not an excuse. Don't excuse it. I was wrong," Connor whispered into Evan's neck, squeezing him tighter. Evan swallowed hard and pulled back.

"What's happening, Connor?" Evan asked gently, using his thumb to wipe away a stray tear falling from Connor's eye.

"They're locking me up. For 72 hours," Connor replied.

"Like... in a mental hospital? Or... whatever?" Evan asked. Connor nodded in clarification, immediately going back to his resting anxious position.

"I don't want to go, Ev," Connor whispered. Evan almost cried just hearing how small he sounded.

"It's going to be alright," Evan said, taking a seat beside Connor and grabbing his hand. He ran his thumb over the back of Connor's shaking hands. "I'll call you whenever I can. And if I can visit you, I will. It's only for 72 hours, yeah? I'll be here when you get out."

Connor looked at Evan with sad eyes and reached a hand across to cup Evan's face. Evan leaned into the touch just as Connor started to pull his hand away.

"I... I don't want to say it right now," he said. Evan wrinkled his brow in confusion but went with it.

"That's, um... I don't know what you mean by that, but that's okay? You don't have to," he replied. Connor laughed a small, breathy laugh.

"This is why I keep you around," he joked. Evan cracked a smile at that.

The pair was interrupted by a knock on the door. A woman with long, blonde hair wearing a yellow suit poked her head in.

"Hey, Connor and... guest. I just wanted to let you know that we've found a bed for you at a nearby hospital. You're gonna have to travel by ambulance, sorry. But they'll be over here relatively soon," she said. Connor just kind of nodded at her and she offered a smile before ducking out.

"I really don't want to go, Evan," Connor said, squeezing his eyes shut. Evan squeezed his hand.

"72 hours. That's all," Evan replied, bringing Connor's hand up so he could press a kiss to it. Connor sighed, shaky.

"Sir, I'm going to need you to leave the room. Connor needs to change into a gown," the nurse interrupted. Evan flushed and muttered an apology, leaving the room.

Evan didn't see Connor again until he was being wheeled out of the hospital on a gurney, crying silently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk if people just don't know but lots of fics in this fandom have connor attempt suicide but hes out of the hospital in like three days and from personal experience, they put you inpatient mandatory for 72 hours if you can't contract for safety (which is a question they're required to ask all suicide attempt kiddos) so idk if people just don't know or don't research? but that always bugs me  
> ANYWAY THANK YOU FOR ALL THE COMMENTS IM SORRY I CAUSED TEARS it just needed to happen bc therapy and meds aren't gonna help if your environment is shit yknow?   
> anyway legit fluff will come soon. connor just gotta get out the hospital and be more emotionally stable first  
> and also all the things that happen while connor is hospitalized are either based on my own experiences or based on rules of the facility i was in


	19. thoughts are deceiving.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this chapter takes place entirely in a mental hospital and connor gets indepth w discussing his home life & BPD, so if that's gonna mess with you, maybe skip over

The first bullshit rule: no images of death, laces, or strings. Connor grumbled unhappily as they made him go through the bag of things his mother had dropped off for him. The nurses had to supervise him, too, which pissed him off more. He had to give them anything that had a skull, the word death, or anything that could be mistranslated to "suicide". Which wasn't a lot, but did include his pajama pants (because apparently Venom from the Spiderman universe was too close to death for the facility). He had to had over his boots which left him shoeless. And he hesitated to pull the strings out of his hoodies, opting to just hand them over rather than ruin his favorite part. 

Second bullshit rule: no hair ties, rubberbands, or bracelets. Apparently some really inventive kid managed to hurt themselves with one of them, so they were banned. Also, part of it was probably to do with the "snap a rubber band against your wrist instead of cutting" that probably got out of hand with someone really itching to hurt.

Third bullshit rule: Eat three meals a day, two snack times included. And if the meal you chose wasn't "enough" for them, they'd pick more stuff and then gauge how much you ate. And everyone was banned from entering their rooms or use bathrooms unsupervised for two hours after every meal. "What if I have to take a mid-afternoon piss and can't hold it?" Connor asked one of the nurses. He didn't seem amused with Connor's sense of humor.

Fourth bullshit rule: Two group therapy sessions a day off-set with a time for "school". "School" seemed to consist of coloring and reading one page articles printed from the internet followed by a half-assed discussion. Group therapy was less of a sit in a circle and talk thing and more of a group project thing with a mental health lesson attached.

Fifth bullshit rule: Only immediate family members 18+ were allowed to visit him. Connor had only written his mother down as a visitor he'd allow and made a mental note to ask his therapist if Evan could come in and visit, considering Evan was the only person he trusted to talk to about the heavy stuff.

Five bullshit rules written and a million more unspoken. Connor was in a room by himself, thank God, since he was gay and they discouraged sex. He was given a journal to write his feelings in, but nurses could come in and read it at any time with no regard to privacy. Friendship was encouraged but Connor wasn't having it. There were 7 other kids in there aside from himself, and he was disinterested in all of them.

When they were all forced to be together in the lounge area, Connor claimed a spot on the floor in the corner where he read his books. He wasn't allowed to go to his room since they discouraged isolation (despite how anxiety-ridden Connor was being forced to be in a room full of other messed up kids he wasn't interested in). He had, in a way, become mute in here. Kids approached him and he just kind of glared until they went away. He didn't want to talk to them. He didn't want to befriend them. He wanted to leave. He wanted to see Evan. He wanted to be able to smoke and jerk off and blare music in his own room. But why would they let him have simple pleasures?

Connor got by on following the rules as minimally as he could. He was also on suicide observation, so every two hours, he was brought back to his room and made to strip down and shake his boxers out so they would know he didn't have anything on him he could use to hurt himself. And then they'd talk. Ask him how he was doing, what he was feeling. He played along. Connor knew what his problems were, but there was nothing he could say from in here to fix them. 

That was, until he met with his therapist. He was tall but shorter than Connor and built a bit heavier, but still mostly average. Connor saw that the man had once had his ears pierced but was not wearing earrings to accompany the holes. 

"So. Connor. Tell me about yourself," he said. Dr. Dean was his name, and he seemed to have a few screws loose too, but Connor just had to grin and bear it.  _Just... grin and bear it._

"I'm Connor. I'm 17, 18 in a month, and I would really like to be able to have my boyfriend visit me," Connor replied.

"You can call your boyfriend, but the rules... he can't come visit you," Dr. Dean said in response, actually setting his clipboard and pen on the endtable beside him. "But that's not what I asked. Tell me about yourself. What's troubling you? What's making you so... distraught and feeling like you don't want to stick around?"

Connor sighed heavily and ran his hand through his hair. Maybe honesty would suit him for once. It's not like anybody could touch him in here. "My dad. And my sister, but mostly my dad," Connor replied. 

"Hm. Tell me about that. What about them hurts you?" 

"W-well, uh... my dad is... well, he's a dick. A straight up dick. He's homophobic, he's dismissive, and if it doesn't uphold our 'rich family standard', it doesn't mean shit. And my sister used to just go along with it, but she's, like... developed this sick sense of her own justice where I'm the villain and the monster and she's the hero who kind of swoops in and cleans up my mess," Connor replied, crossing his arms. Being honest made his heart heavy and his exhaustion amplified. But it was kind of relieving to be so open about how he was feeling. Since he was stuck here for another two days, he figured he might as well be upfront and self-reflect or something.

"Uh huh. Well, pardon my french, but that sounds like a shitty situation to be in," Dr. Dean said. Connor laughed a little bit, a little bitterly.

"Yeah, I know; I'm living it."

"What about your mom? Is she in the picture?"

"Yeah. She's the only one who actually seems to care. She got me therapy and medication when I told her I needed help, and she's been bringing me stuff. She just can't stand up to my dad, so she can't do a whole lot ," Connor said, his leg beginning to bounce rapidly. Dr. Dean eyed this but focused his attention right back to Connor.

"So your home life is less than ideal. Lots of kids experience that, but I have a feeling there's a bit more than you're letting on to here, Connor," Dr. Dean replied. Connor just kind of blinked and clenched his fists. 

"Well, yeah. I mean, I'm still sick in the head with or without my family there. It's better when they aren't there to mess with my, like, filter or whatever, but it's still screwed up," Connor responded.

"What kind of sickness is in your head? Describe some situations for me."

"Like... I don't know. I guess, like, I have... anger issues? Like one second I'll be fine like just chilling out and something small, like the smallest possible, dumbest thing ever will set me off and I'll be furious. And it's kind of like that with every emotion. Like my default feeling is... empty? I guess? Like, I don't feel anything, but then even something small happens and it's not even like a chain reaction it's like... immediately I feel the emotion. And it's really hard to control those. Sometimes, I can, if I focus, but... most of the time, I'm just too tired, so I let it slip. And once it's out, it doesn't stop until the situation is over. And... and it hurts people, and I don't want to hurt people because then they leave. And everyone always leaves."

Dr. Dean, Connor noticed, once he'd stopped speaking, hadn't taken a single note. He just sat and listened. That was confusing, infuriating, and amusing.

"And you say you are in therapy?" Dr. Dean inquired. Connor nodded. "What have you been diagnosed with?"

"Um... depression, anxiety, and BPD," Connor responded.

Dr. Dean nodded, eyes closed. "Sounds about right." He opened his eyes and looked at Connor, leaning back in his chair. "Medication and therapy can do wonders for depression and anxiety, but for BPD, it's unfortunately up to you to control yourself, which I know is horrible to hear and unfair and all that. But hey, you're only one month away from being 18, yeah? Then you can take the highway to wherever the hell you want. It won't be easy if that takes you on your own and away from your home life, but you will find a support system and that support system will be a good one. It might not be the first one you find, but it will come along eventually." Dr. Dean paused his speech and seemed to stare right through Connor which sent a shiver up the boy's spine. "There isn't much we can do here except for give you some coping mechanisms and advice, so if you choose to sign yourself out after the 72 hours is up, I'll clear you for it. But Connor, you can't try something like taking your own life. It may seem like the best option, but think of the people who do care. You might not always feel like it, but there are people who care. Even if I happened to catch your name in the obituaries, I'd be a little upset. Your life is whatever you make it, and you can make it whatever extraordinary thing you want to."

Connor left the room with a small smile on his face. Someone real, someone who understood, and that was exactly what he needed. He headed straight to the phone to call Evan, but was intercepted on the way there by a nurse.

"Connor, you have a visitor!" the nurse exclaimed, her red lips spread wide to show a crazy white, toothy smile. 

"Uh, okay? Where is she?" Connor asked. His mom was the only person he'd cleared to see him.

"She can't stay long, but she brought someone else with her," the nurse replied, leading him to a door that opened into a lobby. He knew he wasn't allowed past that point, so he stood on the other side as the nurse swiped and opened the door. On the other side stood a smiling Cynthia and a nervous Evan.

"Evan!" Connor exclaimed, lurching forward but catching an arm across the abdomen.

"Can't leave this hallway," the nurse said apologetically.

Cynthia stepped forward and tentatively wrapped her son into a hug.

"Do you need anything, Connor?" she asked. He shook his head. He couldn't blame her for being so curt; they were far apart relationship-wise, but he wanted to repair that bond, especially if he didn't think he could repair the bond with Zoe and Larry.

She pulled back and smiled softly at her son, tucking his hair behind his ear, then stepping away to allow Evan to come to the doorway. Connor wrapped Evan up into a tight hug and didn't want to let him go, no matter what.

"I'm so fucking glad to see you, Evan," Connor whispered. Evan gripped him tighter with his hands- wait, hands? Connor pulled back and Evan looked confused and hurt. "Your cast..." Connor muttered. Evan blushed.

"Y-yeah, I got it off this m-morning. Surprise," Evan said quietly. Connor smiled.

"I'm glad. Look, I'm only in here for two more days, okay? I'll call you whenever I can and I understand if you don't pick up or recognize the hospital number or whatever, but two more days and I'll be out," Connor said, cupping Evan's face. Evan smiled.

"I'll be here when you get out," he said softly. Connor pressed a kiss to Evan's forehead and was almost instantly pulled back by the nurse.

"It's time for him to go," she said, that grin still plastered on her face. Connor ripped out of her grasp, shooting her a glare, but by the time he tried to look back to Evan, the door was already shut and he was back in his sterile prison.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all in connor's pov to balance out with that evan pov chapter.  
> once again, the rules and stuff set in place in the mental hospital were rules in place when i was in one and it sucked. but i love these boys so much? i realized how deep i am into this fandom today when i was talking to someone who casually likes DEH and i was like in it with the analysis and small details it was wild and i felt like a freak.  
> this is also short-ish but i wanted to give something? i don't really like writing this bc mental hospital was a bad time for me and i left feeling worse than i did going in and i don't want that for connor and don't want to relive it for me


	20. i'm not whole and you're not safe.

The day Connor got out of the hospital, Evan waited. He got to the building at 8 sharp, which is when he knew they woke all the kids up. He knew, realistically, that Connor wouldn't be out for another hour or two at the least, but he was so nervous and afraid that he'd miss Connor leaving that he had to be sure he was there. But he was the only person there, so he just kind of sat himself down off to the side of the building and pulled out his phone, keeping an eye out for Cynthia or someone that he knew to make it easier. He felt like he was making a mistake because now he was panicking that he was alone and would have to answer for himself if someone came over to ask him what he was doing and if it was security and he couldn't answer they'd either kick him out and he'd miss Connor or they'd think he was crazy and put him in a mental hospital too, and that wouldn't be good. So, Evan waited. His phone battery went from 100% to 46% and Connor still wasn't out and Cynthia wasn't here to pick him up. He was starting to get really anxious now.

About half an hour later, Cynthia's car pulled up into the parking lot. Evan audibly exhaled in relief and cautiously made his way up to Cynthia's car. She didn't spot him at first, but when she did, her face broke out into a huge grin.

"Hello Evan! What're you doing here so early?" she asked him.

"U-um, just waiting for, uh, w-waiting for Connor, y'know," he replied.

"Well, we still have about half an hour until they're going to let him out. He said he has to have a final meeting with his doctors and sign some paperwork. Do you want to get something to eat?" she asked him. Evan shook his head.

"Uh, no... no thanks. I'll, um, be okay," Evan replied.

"Hm, I guess we should wait for Connor and see if he wants to go out and eat," Cynthia replied, crossing her arms. "I don't know if they've given him breakfast or not."

Evan didn't say anything. He'd gotten a bit closer to Cynthia, but the action of speaking to an adult still freaked him out. It was beyond clear to him by the way a fire burned in his throat and he gripped the hem of his shirt tight, unable to swallow. Cynthia pulled her phone out and frowned at the screen, typing something out. Maybe she was texting Zoe or her husband or maybe neither. He thought it would be rude to ask, so he didn't. She sighed and put her phone back in her purse.

"Shall we go inside?" Cynthia asked, smiling at Evan. Evan just kind of sheepishly looked up at her and nodded.

\--------

He was almost free. He'd just finished his last meeting with Dr. Dean and was allowed to go pack his stuff up. He didn't feel one ounce of sadness leaving the room, knowing it would be the last time he'd walk down that corridor or get swiped to get into his room. And it didn't take him long to pack up either. He just shoved his stuff into a trashbag and made his way out to the reception area. They handed him his bin of confiscated items. He was relieved that he could put his earrings back in and get his phone back and paint his nails when he got home (apparently the temptation to just drink nail polish is a strong one according to the staff). 

"Your mother is waiting for you outside the doors," one of the nurses said. "If you'd like to say goodbye to anyone, take-"

Connor snorted and shook his head. "Nah, not interested."

The nurse sighed. "Okay, let me escort you through the doors and have a word with your mother."

Connor followed the nurse to the doors. She swiped to open them and Connor almost dropped his bag the second he saw Evan standing behind his mom. He pushed right past her and fell to his knees, hugging Evan tightly. He didn't even care how he looked to his mom and the nurse and anyone walking by. He hadn't seen or spoken to Evan since he visited on that first day. The nurses blocked most of his calls out, deeming it "unfit" for him to call Evan all the time when he could be socializing or reading or coloring or some other shit. And if Connor was honest, which he planned on being, he nearly cried when Evan ran his recently un-casted hand through Connor's hair.

"Come on, Connor," Evan whispered, helping Connor up off his knees. Connor got up and smiled at Evan, cupping a hand to his face. 

"I am so glad you're here," Connor replied. Evan smiled and Connor felt something soar and expand in his chest.

"Okay, Connor," his mother's weak voice called from behind him. Connor turned to face her. The nurse was gone and the door was closed. Connor took a step forward and gave his mom a hug. She clearly wasn't expecting it as she tensed up but after a second of processing, she hugged him back, fiercely. He pulled back and offered her a small smile. Her eyes were tearing up. "Let's get you in the car."

\--------

So, Cynthia took the two out for breakfast, despite it being noon. They made a silent contract to not talk about the mental hospital as much as they could since they knew how much Connor hated it there. Connor and Evan sat on one side of the booth, their hands constantly clasped in each other's, Evan afraid to lose Connor again and Connor eternally thankful that he had Evan in his life. 

The three of them found common ground to talk about, so there were some awkward gaps in conversation, but it wasn't the most awkward meal ever. Connor ordered for Evan and Evan squeezed his hand in appreciation as his eyes were fixed on the salt shaker at the end of the table. 

"Finally, real food," Connor sighed when their food arrived. He didn't untangle his hand from Evan's at first.

"Connor, I need that hand to eat," Evan said with a little smile. Connor blushed a bit and let his hand go, opting to rest his hand on Evan's knee instead. He needed contact, and that was so beyond fine. Evan needed contact, too. He felt bad for Connor's mom, though. Cynthia was talking the most and just seemed so happy to see her son, but she knew that Connor had to go back to Evan's since Larry wouldn't have him back.

He and Cynthia had actually talked about it. Larry was obviously upset that Connor had tried to... take his life, but he still wouldn't have Connor back in the house. Until Larry would let Connor back in the house, he was staying at the Hansen's. And Cynthia couldn't do anything about it aside from separating from Larry and moving on her own, but she wouldn't do that, so there was no solution until Larry came around. Luckily, Heidi was fine with having Connor stay there, especially now. She wasn't really in the house much anyway and as long as they didn't destroy anything and were respectful, it was fine. But still, Cynthia loved her son, Evan could see that, and unfortunately, she was stuck in an uncompromising position.

Breakfast ended uneventfully as the three made their way back to Cynthia's car. She tightened her grip on the steering wheel after she started the car up. "Is there anything else... anything at all you want to do before I take you... to Evan's?" she asked. Her pain was evident now.

"Not that I can think of," Connor replied. He paused for a second and almost seemed to duck his head in shame. "Sorry, mom," he whispered. She looked over at him and gave him a tight smile.

"That's okay," she assured him. "It isn't your fault."

She drove them to Evan's house. Evan waited patiently and kind of awkwardly as Cynthia hugged her son tightly and for a while, talking to him in a voice too quiet for Evan to hear. She let him go and cupped his face, smiling. Then, she got back in her car, waved, and drove off.

The first thing Connor did when they got inside the house was to head up and take a shower. Apparently, the shower pressure sucked and the showerhead was down too low for him to actually shower properly, so he felt too gross to do anything else until he was done. 

Evan waited in his room, charging his near-dead phone. A message lit his screen up.

**JrodK: hey**

Evan sighed and prepared himself for the conversation with Jared. Jared probably didn't know about Connor since he wasn't part of the search party.

**Ev.Han.51: Hi, Jared.**

**JrodK: do u wanna hang out today**

**JrodK: or r u gonna be busy suckin ur bfs dick**

**Ev.Han.51: That's disgusting.**

**Ev.Han.51: And Connor just got home, so I want to spend some time with him today, sorry.**

**JrodK: ok so**

**JrodK: are we actually friends anymore**

**JrodK: bc it seems like you only ever want to b around tht freak**

**Ev.Han.51: Well this isn't making me want to see you any more.**

**JrodK: what is that supposed t mean**

**Ev.Han.51: I thought you were supportive of my relationship?**

**Ev.Han.51: But you're calling him a freak, and I don't appreciate that.**

**JrodK: im supportive idiot**

**JrodK: i just never see you anymore**

**JrodK: nd it makes me think u dont want to b friends**

**Ev.Han.51: Maybe if you were actually a friend and I wasn't just for car insurance.**

**JrodK: fine**

**JrodK: come abck when u think abut what u just said**

**JrodK: fuck you evan**

Evan sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. Connor came in the room then, freshly showered and newly dressed with a puzzled look on his face. He took a seat beside Evan.

"What's up?" Connor asked.

"Jared is just... being a clingy asshole," Evan replied.

"How so?" 

"He's mad I'm spending more time with you than I am with him."

"Well, Hansen, you gotta spend time with your friends too. I might not like Kleinman a whole lot, but that doesn't mean you two can't hang out," Connor replied, throwing his arm around Evan's shoulders.

"I guess. I mean, you just got... home, and I want to see you," Evan responded, looking up at Connor.

Connor was kind of quiet, just looking at Evan for a bit until he leaned down to press a soft kiss to his lips. Connor pulled back.

"Maybe not today. But go hang out with Jared. I'll be fine for a day on my own," he said to Evan.

"I just-"

"Hansen... stop," Connor said, the corners of his lips tugging up in amusement. 

"No, but I-"

"Evan," Connor interrupted. Evan stopped talking and looked at Connor. When Connor used his name rather than saying "Hansen", it made his stomach do flip flops since it was far more uncommon to hear. It also immediately got his attention.

Connor didn't say anything though. He just kind of looked at Evan for a bit and leaned in for another kiss. Evan kissed him back and grabbed the front of Connor's shirt, keeping him rooted there to let the kiss deepen. Connor made a little noise and shifted himself to cup Evan's face.

He did, however, wrench himself back after a little bit to let their foreheads touch. His thumb rubbed against Evan's cheek. Connor opened his mouth to speak, but Evan beat him to it.

"I love you," Evan whispered. It was risky, but it was right. And it only felt even better when Connor smiled and planted a quick kiss to his lips.

"And I love you, Evan Hansen."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's kind of short, too, but I felt bad about leaving y'all hanging for ten days (whoops). i've just been busy with college and my mental health and trying to see my friends before we all part ways bc yknow im afraid that college is going to drive us all apart and i dont want that bc theyre the first friends ive ever had and i cant handle that but w/e  
> i also lowkey forgot about jared (also whoops) so i wanted to throw it in. there may be some reconciliation video game playing   
> and about the larry thing. i dont imagine that larry would change his mind about connors sexuality and let him back in since he feels so strongly about it so connors gonna be at the hansen house for a bit longer  
> im still not sure what i want to do with the next chapter but i guess well find out together?  
> THANKS FOR READING AND COMMENTING I SERIOUSLY APPRECIATE THE KUDOS AND COMMENTS AND KIND WORDS MORE THAN YOU KNOW THANK YOU <3


	21. then we wouldn't have to wait so long.

"What are you, gay?" 

Evan sighed and put his controller down. Jared paused and shot him a look.

"C'mon dude, it was a joke. Do you have a sense of humor?" Jared's comment was sarcastic. Evan remembered why he was apprehensive to hang out with Jared again.

"I-I do, it's just... that's not... um, that's not a very... funny joke," Evan replied.

Jared rose an eyebrow and chuckled a little bit, shaking his head. "You make one friend other than me and suddenly you go all-"

"Jared, stop! Okay, just... just stop!" Evan exclaimed. He was pissed, but Jared didn't pick up on it. Or maybe he did, and he just didn't care, but he laughed a little bit and unpaused the game, causing Evan's character to crash into a wall.

\------

Connor flipped through another page in his book, examining his chipping nail polish in the process. He hated to admit it, but he didn't really have anything to do while Evan was hanging out with Asshole Kleinman. He'd been reading through Fahrenheit 451 for the second time today since Evan had left. Heidi was at school, and it's not like Connor necessarily wanted to spend his free time hanging out with his boyfriend's mom.

That made him stop reading. A small smile formed on Connor's face. He had a  _boyfriend_. A boyfriend that he loved and one that loved him back. He wasn't used to feeling consistently happy, and with Evan, well, it was the closest he could come to it. Their relationship wasn't perfect by any means, but they held each other up and he felt secure, for once. Sweet, sweet security. He was sure that there would continue to be ups and downs and inbetweens, and he knew one day it might get stale and they'd have to sit down and talk it out, but that was for the future. Hell, even if he and Evan didn't work out... as heartbreaking as that would be for them both, he'd come out a better person on the other side... because of that stupid, goofy, adorable blushing face. 

Not to mention, if Evan hadn't walked into that bathroom however many months ago, shaking like a leaf, holding his paper bag lunch in his functional hand, Connor would be dead. And honestly for the first time he could remember, Connor didn't want to die. Ha! What a concept, Connor Murphy found something to live for. Try telling people that even a year ago and listen to how hard they'd laugh.

Connor let his smile grow a little bit more, relishing in the feeling for a bit, before bringing the book back up to keep reading.

\------

Evan pulled his coat around him tighter. The winter winds were starting to get unbearable, and Evan was just glad Connor had a car so he could drive them to school every day. Winter break was fast approaching, too. The idea of Evan laying his head down on Connor's lap, the two boys covered in the old family quilt, drinking hot chocolate and watching some stupid holiday special... it was enough to make a little bit of warmth shoot out from Evan's chest. He was so happy with Connor. Sure, there were things Connor seriously needed to work on, but Evan wouldn't think of leaving him in a million years. No way. He'd support Connor's recovery until death if he had to.

Evan stopped and held out his recently uncasted arm, flexing his fingers in front of his face. To think maybe six months ago, Evan wanted nothing more than to die, and now he had something to hold onto. Not a tree branch, but a Connor who would never let him let go in the first place. Evan smiled a little bit and put some pep in his step toward his house. Soon enough, Connor's vehicle made an appearance on the horizon and soon past that, Evan was basking in the warmth of the heated indoors.

"Connor?" Evan called, shutting the front door behind him.

Connor's wild mop of hair appeared followed by a warm smile from the doorway of Evan's room. Evan beamed at him and Connor made his way down the stairs. He paused in front of Evan and just kind of looked at him, but Evan wasn't even slightly nervous.

"How was Jared's?" Connor asked.

"It was alright. He's... he's a little jealous that I've got someone else to spend, um, spend time with," Evan replied, instinctively reaching out to grab Connnor's hand. Connor didn't even look at it, just readjusted his hand to hold Evan's better.

"You don't have to spend all your time with me, y'know," Connor replied.

"I...I know, I just... y'know... you just got out of the hospital, like... um, a week ago, so..." Evan looked down at their joined hands; Connor's thumb rubbed the back of Evan's.

"I'll be fine," Connor said, moving his free hand to grab Evan's chin and gently lead their gazes to meet, "don't neglect your friends for me."

"I'm not-"

"Evan, c'mon."

Evan laughed a little bit at Connor's slightly lopsided smile. He stepped past Connor and dragged the taller boy into the kitchen. "You hungry?" Evan asked, letting go of Connor's hand.

"A little. I don't know exactly how comfortable I'm allowed to be in your house," he responded with a shrug.

"You can be as comfortable as you want. I'm sure my, uh, mom wouldn't mind as long as you aren't making messes or stealing anything."

"You calling me a criminal, Hansen?"

Evan laughed a bit and shook his head. "Have you ever even stolen anything?" Evan asked Connor, looking over his shoulder. Connor gently grabbed Evan's hips and pinned him against the counter. Evan flushed and grinned. A lock of hair fell from behind Connor's ear to conceal part of his eye.

"Just your heart," Connor said quietly, a grin forming on his face. Evan rolled his eyes and leaned up to kiss his boyfriend, resting his hands on Connor's biceps. Connor let one hand leave Evan's hip to cup his face and then pulled away. "As much as I'd love to eat you," Connor began (Evan flushed bright red), "I was thinking more along the lines of, like, Chinese or pizza or something."

\------

"Christmas is coming soon," Connor noted. Evan looked up at him with those adorable wide eyes.

"Yeah, it is. We just have a week and a half left before winter break, too," Evan added.

"What're you getting me?" Connor asked, totally joking. Evan looked like his entire brain went BOOM, so Connor laughed. "Don't worry about that right now. You don't even have to get me anything if you don't want."

"Don't be r-ridiculous, Connor. Of course I'm getting you something," Evan replied, blushing yet again (God Connor loved making Evan blush like that).

"I'm serious when I say you don't have to. We Murphys don't do much more than outside decorations. Christmas is just another day," Connor replied. Evan frowned.

"No Christmas spirit?"

"No such thing."

Evan set his fork and plate down on the coffee table and looked like Connor had just shot him.

"Connor?"

"Oh my God, Hansen, don't-"

"We have to do so...  _so_ many things on break," Evan said, his eyes starting to sparkle.

"Or we could just stay in your house like normal," Connor replied, playing with the ends of his hair.

"...We'll talk about it," Evan said. Connor smiled as Evan turned back to continue eating his meal. Evan rarely got that excited about things. Apparently (or so far) those things were trees and Christmas.

\------

"I'm home, boys!" Heidi shouted as soon as she pushed the door open. She spotted the two boys fast asleep on the couch, surrounded by empty chinese food cartons. She winced a little at how loud she was and quietly shut the door behind her. She set her stuff down and paused to look at the two of them for a second with a smile on her face. She leaned down to give her son a kiss on the top of the head and cleaned up the area a little bit, deciding to let them each catch a break. She didn't have work tonight, and being a mom was a full-time job she knew she had to fulfill. 

The two boys had a long way to go and a lot of growing up to do, but Heidi was just over the moon that they at least had each other to look after each other and keep the other in check. They really seemed to bring out the best in each other, and it made Heidi happy to see her son start to break out of his shell and think about the future. And even though Connor's wounds were deep and still hurting, he was on the path to a healthy recovery, and Heidi cared enough to see to it that he'd get off that path on his own two feet.

She took one last look at the sleeping couple before turning on her heel to start working on her homework.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING THIS FIC!!!! I figured I should give this fic justice since I have some free time right now between huge projects, and I know it's been WAYYYYYY too fucking long, and I'm sorry for that. I hope that this ending is okay. Maybe someday I'll do a follow up story if there's interest in it.   
> Also!!! I got to see Dear Evan Hansen in November, the day before Ben's last, and it was magical. Some of the cast was sick, but they still made everything sound incredible, and I got to meet Michael and Jennifer and Rachel scootered past us and Ben came out for like five seconds to apologize to us for not being able to stagedoor. Also, the last official auctioned Ben Platt cast sold for $35k!!! I have video of it going down too lol. On that same trip, I got to see Anastasia too, which I HIGHLY recommend if you're looking for a show to see.  
> Back to talking about this story, there were a lot of things I wanted to include in this, but it would be absolutely unfair of me to keep this going with months between updates. And there were some things that I've had happen to me that I wanted to include... like, if I can gush here for a second-  
> I was talking to the guy I'm in love with at work once and suddenly got really light headed and passed out (this was over a year ago). And I woke up to like every employee in the building standing over me and obviously that freaked me the fuck out, so I reached up and grabbed this guy's hand despite knowing he wanted us to keep our relationship secret and he squeezed my hand and like rubbed his thumb over it and all that adorable stuff (thinking about it makes me happy and i get this little bloom of warmth in my chest).  
> BUT that's like, one of the things I wanted to include, just because I think it's so sweet. Maybe if there's a demand for an update or follow up short story, I can include some stuff I wanted to put in but didn't. I dunno. College is keeping me busy, and art college SUCKS. Anyway, once again, because I keep getting off track, thank you all SO SO much for reading and commenting and giving me kudos. I love y'all!


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